I don\u2019t know if there\u2019s an afterlife, but I like to think so. If there\u2019s not, maybe there\u2019s a wormhole and your watching me from an alternate universe? I like to take comfort in the thought that there\u2019s a universe or timeline where you\u2019re not dead. Maybe your dad wasn\u2019t a garbage human being in that world or maybe you chose to stay with us instead of move in with him\u2026 All I know is that I wish we could\u2019ve had a happier ending.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019ve been watching over me, I know you\u2019ve seen my struggles. After you and Dad left me with Mom when you both passed, I took to some unhealthy habits and projected my hurt on stupid little events to avoid admitting that the real reason I hurt was because you were gone. I know we were never really close when I was just your bratty, do-no-wrong (even when I did) baby sister, but I like to think that there would\u2019ve been a time where we could\u2019ve been more like me and our older sisters where everything is a shared burden or happy event. We\u2019ve bonded even more since you left us and I just wish we could\u2019ve bonded before you left. <\/p>\n
I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve seen my hurt since you left and mom\u2019s lack of a reaction and then her passing to join you and Dad. I went from self-harming to better to rock bottom in a few short years. I know you\u2019re probably rolling in your grave knowing the stupid things I\u2019ve done in the name of Wonderland- as I like to call the world where my struggles and pain don\u2019t exist. I know you saw the CJ disaster and the failed engagement with a slightly older man and the three or four car accidents I\u2019ve been in. Apparently, I can\u2019t decide whether I want to exist or not and the universe is struggling to decide whether I should or not.<\/p>\n
Even as I write this, I can\u2019t hold myself together. Something about thinking of you and all I missed out on learning about you just rips open a fresh wound. I\u2019ve written about you so many times and shared my thoughts of you with so many people, but I still don\u2019t seem to get any closure\u2026 maybe it\u2019s because I never got to talk to you about Mom and Dad\u2019s drug problem or all my love life drama or anything about you\u2026 the more I think about you, the more I realize that I don\u2019t know anything about you\u2026 You\u2019re my big sister and the closest in age to me and all I know is that you listened to Big and Rich and HIM and read Phantom of the Opera. I don\u2019t know anything about you as a person\u2026 I don\u2019t know your personality or what you wanted to do for a career or anything else\u2026<\/p>\n
The main thing I\u2019ve wanted to know is why you did it. Our sisters don\u2019t remember what you wrote and they don\u2019t have the note\u2026 All I know is that you got tired of feeling like nowhere was meant for you and so you decided to just stop trying to find somewhere to be. Was it because of how your dad treated you? Was it because you were depressed? Did you think that we\u2019d be happier without you? <\/p>\n
I know you can\u2019t answer me, but I wish you could. After all this time, all I want is answers. If I can\u2019t have you back, I at least want to know why you\u2019re gone. Maybe one of these nights when I go explore other places to the sound of Kid Cudi, you can guide me to some version of you and explain why you left or what I\u2019m supposed to do now.<\/p>\n
I can\u2019t say that I ever believed in God and I only just realized that I believe in the multiverse and all that, but I\u2019ve always believed in you. Even when I was angry with you or failed to talk to you like I should have, I still believed in you like a Christian believes in God because what else was I supposed to do? You were the only straightforward thing in my life before you left for Florida. Maybe someday you\u2019ll give me a sign or come visit and I can finally breathe and start to let it all go.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I don\u2019t know if there\u2019s an afterlife, but I like to think so. If there\u2019s not, maybe there\u2019s a wormhole and your watching me from an alternate universe? I like to take comfort in the thought that there\u2019s a universe or timeline where you\u2019re not dead. Maybe your dad wasn\u2019t a garbage human being in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":0,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1253","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-love-letters"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/loveletters.avadellaira.com\/love-letters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1253","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/loveletters.avadellaira.com\/love-letters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/loveletters.avadellaira.com\/love-letters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loveletters.avadellaira.com\/love-letters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1253"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/loveletters.avadellaira.com\/love-letters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1253\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/loveletters.avadellaira.com\/love-letters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1253"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loveletters.avadellaira.com\/love-letters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1253"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loveletters.avadellaira.com\/love-letters\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1253"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}