"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I cried a lot last night, because I missed you so much.

I still remember my last 15th birthday that I kissed your forehead before I went to school, it was the first and unexpectedly the last time I did it. As I was going home from school, I was with my friends and we were laughing as we got out from school. They kept singing “happy birthday” and when I thanked them that’s when I saw my two aunties. They went to the church, and I was so surprised to see how swollen their eyes are and that’s when they told me that you already passed away.

We visited your grave last Thursday, and since then it was usually normal. Whenever we visit you, I don’t feel anything and maybe a lot of people might hate me for this but I was really happy and relieved when you left us.

I felt like I was free now, because I get to do the things that I wasn’t able to do when you were still with us, because you were so strict and overprotective. And I being an impulsive teenager took it in a wrong way. Yes, I did hate you so much for not allowing me to go outside and be with my friends. I felt like you’re being selfish and took away all the opportunity of mine to enjoy my teenage years. I hated you more when you kept saying bad things about my mom, when she and dad decided to separate. You kept telling us how she and her family will fail on taking care of us and providing us a good future because you knew how toxic and broken her family become. I felt like you were brainwashing me to hate my mom and I think you succeed because I hated my mom back then. And I became more afraid to be with her because of all the things you said and I hated you more because of it. I felt you ruined my relationship with my mother. But don’t worry Lolo, now that I’m older I was able to talk through things with mom and I was able to fix our relationship.

Lolo, I hated you so much that when you died I only cried once. And I didn’t even considered that crying as sincere because all I’ve just shown during your funeral was disrespect towards you. My aunt and lola kept asking me how I can be so much happy when you died, I answered them only on my mind “because finally the person who stops me from experiencing life is already gone.” During your burial I kept dancing and that made lola even more mad at me and she kept telling me how disrespectful I am. Maybe I did lose all my respect to you, because instead of being sad and staying with you during your funeral, I attended my field trip and you didn’t even crossed my mind.

Yes, I am so selfish, disrespectful, ungrateful, and such a shame to our family. I am really sorry Lolo. I am sorry if it took me two years before I could finally realize all these things. I’m sorry if I have never been the greatest granddaughter you could ever have. I’m sorry if I focused too much on my angel and hate towards you. I closed all the doors to my heart and I wasn’t able to see your love and real motives.

I learned from lola how much fear you have in us whenever you allow us to leave because you experienced trauma back then. That’s when I understood how you should be protective of us, because you were afraid to lose us. You tried to protect us from the horrors of the real word and I’ve seen it in the wrong way. I’m sorry lolo for being hard on you, I’m really sorry. It’s really true that you will feel the regret of not being able to appreciate someone when they were still with you. Now, it’s too late for me to make it up for all the mistakes I’ve done to you because now you’re gone. All I could do now is regret, and ask for your forgiveness that I will never know if you really accept it. I know you can see my actions now and I know that you’re disappointed in me. I’m really sorry.

As I was crying last night, I remembered all the good things and happy memories we shared when I was young. That’s when it really hit me, I really do miss you now Lolo. You and lola raised us and I wasn’t able to show how grateful I am to have you both. If I could just really turn back the time and fix everything, I would have done it, but I really can’t. Now that I’ve matured and understand everything, I promise to be a better person now for lola to make it up to you lolo. I will love and take care of her until the last seconds that I could be with her. I promise you that lolo, because I know that’s what you wanted me to do.

I think I have to end this letter now Lolo, I have already said everything. I love you so much Lolo and I really regret that times that I could have shown it to you but instead I wasted it. But that’s what life it is and I just have to deal with it. Now, when I visit your grave once again, I will feel everything now, because finally I have released all these emotions that I kept for years. I can say that I’m totally free now Lolo, and I’ve never loved you this much before. I know you’re happy and safe now and I also know that you’re always looking out on us. Till we meet again Lolo.