"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

It has been a year already (and almost 2 on December) and still it feels like it just happened yesterday.

I know that this would never reach you but I’m still writing anyway.. I really miss you, Mommy 🙁 You’ve left me so suddenly. Now that you’re gone, I don’t have someone to hug to or play jokes at (Sorry about that. Haha) Not to mention, I really feel like I’m an orphan now. Haha. Kidding aside…

My Mommy, my grandmother. The person who took care of me ever since I was a baby. The person who treated me as her own child. I just want to say, thank you and I’m sorry. Thank you very much for your unending love and patience for even though I’ve been a pain in the head, you still took care of me and never left me. Thank you very much because you taught me how to be the person I am today. Thank you very much for making me feel that I am loved and I am special. Thank you very much for being my mother and my father. Thank you very much for always taking my side whenever I argue with my cousins. (HEHE) And I’m sorry for all of my shortcomings. I made promises to you that I haven’t granted. I promised that I’ll buy a van so that every single person in our family can join us in our road trip. I promised you that after I graduated from college, we’ll go to my mom and be with her finally. I have had so many promises and I wasn’t able to fulfill it. I’m really sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I disappointed you. I’m sorry I didn’t show how much I appreciate you and how much I love you, Mommy. I’m really sorry for taking you for granted. 🙁 I’ve always thought that you’ll always be there for me and you’d never leave me. But then again, you’re gone too soon. 🙁 I’m sorry that ’til your last days I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry I stayed at my dorm instead of going home to take care of you. I’m sorry that whenever I’m home I was scared to go near you because I was frightened to see you like that. You’re not waking up and you’re always asleep. I’m really sorry, Mommy. I have so many regrets right now and I don’t know how to ease the pain. I’m sorry. But I am thankful and really grateful that you’re my Mommy. YOU’RE THE BEST GRANDMOTHER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD! :’)

I remember our last few moments before you passed… That night when I went to the hospital you’re staying at, after my classes. Our conversation went like this (I’ll never forget it. I’ll always remember it):

Me: “Mommy, get well soon. Please?”
You: “Of course, I will. I’m going to your graduation.”

I really want to cry there and then. You didn’t know that you already have Stage 4 Cancer – Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. My aunts and uncles didn’t want to let you know that because you’ll get scared and your condition might worsen. And so that evening, do you remember? I didn’t go home and stayed at the hospital and I slept beside you because I was really hurt and worried about you. Then eventually, I had to go back to the dorm because of my classes. :(( After a week when I came back home (you’re not hospitalized anymore), we also had our last lunch together. I was really happy then that you still remember me (You’ve forgotten a lot of details about our family already). Then I needed to go back to school. 🙁 Geez, I just realized how school sucks then. I can’t really focus and I still had to attend classes. I’m always worried about you. 🙁 Then when I went home, that’s the time they told me that you do not wake up anymore. That you’re always sleeping. It pains me, Mommy 🙁 After a week again when I received a text messaged saying that you’re gone already and I shouldn’t freak out because I’m far away from home. That day Mommy, I went home immediately. From then til now, it hasn’t really sunk in that you’re gone. Everything was too fast like everything came in such a hurry. Same month when you were diagnosed of cancer and when you passed. It was really fast, Mommy. It really was. Everyone hasn’t even moved on with your passing. Everyone is still talking about you and how everyone misses you. You left a mark in everybody’s hearts, Mommy. I just want you to know how great of a person you are and I know that wherever you are, you are in your happy place now. :’)

There’s still so much to say, Mommy but this is too long already. Haha. :)) I hope that you still visit me in my dreams because I really miss you and I really need your hug right now. Thank you very much, Mommy and I love you so much to the moon and the whole universe!