"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

you’re not dead, but it feels like that to me.

we both knew it would be hard to make a long distance relationship work. but i always felt like i’d rather have you from far away than to not have you at all. it was worth it, you know?
it was worth it, because when we stayed up all night, even though we’d have to work our asses off the next morning… when i was falling asleep to the sound of your breath, i could almost swear you were right there, with me.
because when i was finally getting to the airport, i could feel my heart beating SO HARD that i couldn’t believe that god would allow me, of all the people in the world, to feel this good.
because whenever we were actually together, nothing. else. mattered. it was my skin on your skin and i just couldn’t believe the way my entire body NEEDED yours, lost in lust and passion and care and love and all the most beautifully chaotic feelings in the world.
because, you looked at me with those cliché worth blue fucking eyes and i simply couldn’t breathe and all i ever needed in the world was your hug and the smell of your minty shampoo.

and besides all those amazing feelings, i also felt like this love was calm. it was a strong current of calm water, like a sink tap. steady and firm.
we could listen to each other. you’d worry about me and the way i felt for everything. you tried your awesome best to understand the way my mental illness affected the way i saw the world, even when you definetely couldn’t.
you dealt amazingly with every tiny thing that made me feel like i wasn’t enough, and you just

you just tried to love me,
and i kept making it harder.

even so, all the pain from all the longing, aching… all the missing we did. it was worth it.
including the missed calls when i tried to reach you.

i saw you fucking fall outta love with me.

i saw you letting go of small things i loved. i saw you leaving places later. i saw you trying less.

and it fucking broke me, because i knew that was on me.

but i was trying so hard. so hard.
there was so much happening at the same time, and i blamed myself over and over again for making us worse. but it truly wasn’t my intention.

so when you made me brake up with you, just a day after saying i was the love of your life and that you wouldn’t give up on us…

you had to be dead.

i couldn’t love you if you didn’t love me, because i only felt loved when YOU did it.

and now i live crying around when a single thought makes me wonder what could i have done to help us out, when i know i couldn’t.

and i miss everything about us.

but even though i feel like getting drunk just to pretend i drunk dialed you, i’m not 18 anymore. i grown up woman, i work, i study, i pay my fucking bills.
so it’s like i’m not allowed to be sad over just a man when my life is just starting to work out.
i’m in theraphy, the gym, at college, i live alone and am starting my own company.
but i fucking miss you.

and it’s feeling that every time i miss you, i die a little along with all the things i took from myself.

i miss you SO much