"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I am eighteen years old, and so far, I have hardly had anyone who it would literally kill me to lose. Until recently.
Selfishly, I hope to go first, so I never have to feel the pain of losing him, losing everything I have, the everything that saved me…But I cannot wish that. I cannot with anything. Only accept whatever fate befalls us.
We are both so very young and so very sad inside, but we make the other feel the sadness less. It can never be forgotten, of course, but we don’t have to remember it as often.

He always falls asleep at night before I do, because I hardly sleep more than a couple hours a night. I am happy when he sleeps, though he feels bad about my not sleeping. I tell him not to worry. I watch him, when my eyes have adjusted to the darkness. I place my left hand over his heart and feel the beats. I feel the rise and fall of his chest. I see a crooked smile that lingers at the corner of his mouth, and that is the one thing that makes me think that maybe I do make him happier. Maybe. I hope I’m right.

“You are the only thing that makes me feel like I could live forever…With you, my love.”

I love you now and forever. I swear it. I do.