"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This letter would’ve been longer if I hadn’t left the site to do something. I wrote some stuff. Wrote some stuff that would’ve made you sad. It’s all disappeared now. I’m kinda disappointed, but whatever. I don’t think that people would want to see that kind of personal information. What I wrote was all about the past. Things that had happened when you were with us. Mostly all the bad things. I wrote them because they’ve been weighing down my chest for far too long that I needed to write it down.

Thing’s have been tough lately… Oh. I don’t know if you already know, but two years ago we removed the dirty carpet. It was replaced by lenolium tiles, but unfortunately they were cheap and they got torn off the floor. We removed them all a few months later when it got totally worn off. In the bedroom, however, the lenolium tiles stayed. We constantly need to wear slippers now since all that was left is a dirty concrete floor (in which I still walk on with my bare feet when my slippers went missing). It was sorta sad that the carpet was gone. We had our first steps on that carpet (although I’m mostly glad that the carpet is gone considering the numerous of times our dogs crapped and pissed on it). The floor wasn’t the only thing that changed… We have a kitchen now. It’s right beside the living room. Mom constantly tries to arrange the furniture in the house since it always seems like it’s messy.

There are so many things new now… I went to College of Saint Anthony and made a few friends. There was this girl named Gracelle, who was the first one in my grade to ever approach me and asked if I wanted to be her best friend. I said yes, but in the end she stabbed me in the back. Although thanks to that I met someone new named Pau. She’s awesome, you would’ve loved her. Also I met a girl a year higher from my grade named Colline. She’s nice too and you would’ve liked her. Now I’m back to homeschool, except now our second eldest brother tagged along, also our little brother. It’s really boring, I wish I could go back to regular school. But I could hardly see that happening now that my performance level is getting worse and worse by day.

I can’t stop thinking about the bad things. I always remember you and I always end up hating the fact that you left us behind. I sometimes wanna leave too and join you. But I’m too afraid to leave. There’s weight on my chest now that used to me on my shoulders. I keep secrets from our mom now… secrets about how I’ve been feeling… I don’t want to waste her time… Also I’m a bisexual. I sorta came out to our mom a few days ago. I told I was figuring out my sexuality even though I already figured it out. She was fine with it and she would be fine I feel I were gay. Although she says she’s confident I won’t be. She says it’s all a phase and that makes me angry. I’m not as religious as I used to be. I even have a feeling tat I don’t believe in God anymore… I don’t want to talk about that though… There are so many things…

Sometimes I feel like people expect me to be like you. Sometimes I feel like I’m hurting people since we’re identical twins. I wonder sometimes if our parents saw me as you and not me. To be honest, I don’t want to be like you. Here could only be you and I don’t want to be a replacement. I hate you sometimes. And sometimes I remember that sweet and innocent girl who tried so hard to cheer mom up. I want to cheer mom up sometimes. I’m just too afraid somehow and I don’t know what to do most of the time. I wish you were here. I wish you never left. But I know better. I love you… I wish I could’ve told you that over the phone… The very last time I got to talk to you. When you were in the hospital fighting. I wish I sang you our favorite song by Avril Lavign “Keep holding on” instead it was played in you funeral… I wish I could’ve sent you that poster I made that says “get well soon” all in creative lettering. I wish I was there for you. I love you… I miss you… wherever you are… know this. Please be happy and don’t worry about me.