"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Thank you for being there ever since I was a little toddler, I know we made mistakes together as you and my parents often fought a lot about me. When I turned two years old, you left, said mom when she told me about you during your funeral. You died a long time ago, and it was painful to remember. I’ve been reading a lot of books and writing some myself, but I have never encountered such a lovely book as the one Ava Dellaira had written, and it inspired me to try and reach out to you.

Aunt Tessie, please don’t be sad, nobody has ever forgotten who you are. You are always in my heart, as the best aunt I could have. I couldn’t do anything when I saw you laying on your bed, so slim like you’re becoming bones. I was scared, more like guilty. I regret how I never got to thank you so genuinely while you were still breathing in the same air as I was… And now you’re inside that coffin underground.

Back when I was four, I was a really great ballerina, I used to be such a perfectionist in what I do. My parents and other relatives would look at me in the eye and compliment me, they would say that I’m amazing. You gave me confidence to dance, Aunt Tessie. But I’m sorry that I never dance as much anymore, because during a competition, I broke my leg in ballet, and I was banned from any activity that strains my legs.

At first, I thought that my parents are just worried of me. But then they never did once look at me in the eye anymore, and my relatives stopped giving compliments whenever we meet. All there is was just pity. I’ve become too attached to fame back then, that I desperately wanted to have something amazing to do. My older sister, Krysha, was a great ballerina like me too, but she stopped when I broke my leg. She looked after me, and she was a great sister. She can draw amazing things, she can write stories, she can act wonderfully, she can dance gracefully, she’s almost perfect. Or maybe too perfect.

I wanted to be like her, so as soon as I had turned six years old where she had inspired me more, I took my own pen and paper and started to write my own story. I tried everything I could, as I saw my parents complimenting her ten times more than how they complimented me back then. So you could call me an attention seeker for that. Actually, I had never thought about this back then, I was an innocent fellow, I had only learned that I’ve been having depression and anxiety ever since I was nine years old.

So, why anxiety? Well… Because of my previous mistakes and how everyone just ignored me, I guess I just lost my self-confidence, and I’m scared to do anything else. I became a shut-in when I was just seven years old, and I stopped going to school, that stopped when I was eight, and I had to repeat a grade. But I had social anxieties too, that I never spoke to anyone, and my sister had to ask my teacher to let me sit next to good people. When I was eight, I met a friend named Mary Heart and Leah, they were my first best friends. Eventually, they turned out to be popular, while I, remained in the shadows during the whole period. I met Dorothy, she was constantly bullied by everyone, including Chauncey (CJ) and Nathaniel (Natnat).

I defended Dorothy, she was going to be a social-anxiety member like me if this keeps up, after all. And eventually, the bullying also led to me, and we were constantly called names and pushed around. Dorothy had transferred schools, and I was left alone. It’s just like you told me, Aunt Tessie, “Always help a person in need”.

Leah and Mary Heart never defended me from the bullies. Eventually, Leah became class president and Mary Heart turned out to be my cousin. We still called each other best friends. In such a long time, no one has ever given me this much attention, so we stayed together up until it turned 7 o’clock back in school, and our parents would scold us a lot, and even punish us. But we’d smile at each other and continue doing it anyway, and it was reckless.

Yes, it was really reckless, and we learned our lesson. On the way home, my parents couldn’t come pick me up because they were busy at work, including my sister in her field trip. I had to walk alone from the school until I get home, it would have been nicer if I had just gotten home early, and there would be more light and people. I immediately regret staying at school too late. Mary Heart got home an hour earlier before me and Leah, so I didn’t get to ask her father, my uncle, to come and take me home too. But as I said, I’m not so social anymore, so even if I could, I wouldn’t.

And because of that, I was almost kidnapped. That was until, I found out that a teacher from my school saw me on the way and decided to follow me for safety measures. Miss Sierra, she’s now the head teacher in my school back then. She gave me a huge scolding before she let me inside my house, I invited her in since she asked me to, so she could speak to my parents for this.

Because they were busy, Miss Sierra understood the situation, since I wasn’t informed until 7. But she was also too afraid about the attempt kidnapping situation because I had started my period early, if there was a rape going on, especially with a pedophile. When I turned nine years old, things got rougher. My grades started going down, but then a lot of admirers. I was just in fourth grade back then, but a first year high school student is asking me out, and no, I’m not lying. His name is Angelo. But not only him, even a stalker. He’s Keinth, he usually uses my photos for his profile photo for facebook and such. Including Dean, Jeanlee, Khalil, Chauncey (CJ) and Nathaniel (Natnat). Bullies who turned out to be secret admirers. But it doesn’t top it off from my sister’s admirers. She has a whole bunch of them.

I met Louie online, he was my first love as a child. I know, it’s wrong to be engaged in love even as a child, but I didn’t know any of that back then, and I was really attached to him. We only met online, but I started smiling a lot because of him.

When I was ten years old, I could say that life was a bit normal. But I transferred schools, so I never met Leah or Mary Heart ever again. I met Jeremy, she’s the vice president in class, and she’s really pretty. All the boys in class and even in other sections are going crazy for her. Even though I’ve been chosen as the class muse, I still think she’s more suited to this position more than I do. (Actually, I’ve been getting tired about being the class muse since I was in first grade, I had to go through pageants and walk around the stage with a large gown and heels).

But yeah, my life had been normal. Miss Domingo had an accident so she had to be in the hospital too long. So during the whole month of June and a half of the month of July, we never had classes, let alone, our first day in school. I met Angel and Cherey, I could say they are also my best friends. They were the only ones who ever spoke to me, they were similar to Leah and Mary Heart. Angel is athletic, she’s the best in volleyball, but she had leukemia. Cherey has poor eyesight so she wears glasses, but she’s great at drawing (because she learned from me) and writing stories (me again).

They were both influenced by me when I introduced them to anime, drawing and writing stories. They immediately loved me. We stayed together from when I was ten up when I turned twelve. But when I did turn twelve, on fifth grade, Angel left me and Cherey as she was now a part of Venice’s gang. I knew it was a bad idea to be with them, but Angel would never listen. She stayed with Venice and abandoned me and Cherey.

Eventually, she was caught drinking wine/beer with Venice and her gang. They were scolded a lot, and even went through suspension, since expulsion during December that day would be too much for them. But even though that happened, Angel still hang out with Venice and her gang. She’d come to me and ask for money, that she really needs it. Me, being her “best” friend, I did lend her a lot. But she’d never pay me back.

During that time, I met Kent. He was a year older than me. Cherey would tease me a lot, and even though I’m not so attached to him, I eventually started to like him. Like LIKE him. Or is it love? Well, either way, I gave him a bunch of letters (not romantic and such, just friendly). But several times, Angel would say that he either threw the letters, tore it apart or gave it away to his friends. And it hurt a lot, but every time I see him, my heart still flutters and I still can’t bring myself to hate him.

On sixth grade, I was into some kind of harem after I had just went through a rebond on my hair. Jared, Jamal, Julius, Jethro… They started to have a huge crush on me. And we were like the JJJJ squad. Eventually, the whole class is rooting for either Jamal or Julius, they are both either top 1 or top 2 in the whole grading. They never once went to top 3 or below. They were just switching out with 1st and 2nd.

Previously, Julius had a huge crush on Venice, but stopped when Venice had told him some mean things that Julius really had to cry about. But she was wrong about that. Actually, I was a second option for Julius, because he had a huge crush on Venice, and a little to me. When he stopped having a crush on Venice, he suddenly put me on top of his list without further questions.

I can see why the class doesn’t like Jared and Jethro, though. Jared’s the class monkey, he usually runs around like he just got out of the mental hospital. While Jethro’s a huge pervert, he touches girls’ butts in my class (not me though), he only touches my hair. But Jared and Jethro are not that much liked by everyone. But Jared’s one of my great friends, we’re seatmates, along with Melchor, so we speak a lot, and it’s fun talking to him.

At home, I would clean the house, and everything. But… My parents call me useless, and they would feed me with words I never want to hear. Favoritism too, they loved my sister. I had just found out that she was my step-sister, from mom’s previous husband. But my father… He really loves her so much.

It caused my depression, my anxiety. When I turned thirteen, I was desperate for love. I wanted affection, I wanted attention to myself. I had so much, but also lost so much. My head was screaming that a mere crush won’t suffice for me… And things got heavier for me, and my shoulders started to weight on me. Especially after Louie had just told me he doesn’t feel the same way about me ( when I was twelve, along with Kent ).

I met Mengkoung, a Cambodian. I loved him, but I was also scared of him. I was afraid to love, Louie showed me that love had to be painful, especially its answers. Loving so much at a young age would ruin my life, I know that. But I grew more attached to Mengkoung more than I ever did to anyone else. This forbidden love, I shouldn’t engage to relationships, especially love in this age. It’s wrong…

But he showed me that I’m not alone, he let me know that he’ll always be there for me. He was the only one who ever comforted me when I was down, he let me feel love and affection, he gave me attention. Everyday, he’d always talk to me, not leaving a single day out without speaking to me a single time. He put me as his top priority. And for a whole year and three months, he never left my side. This is wrong… But I finally returned his feelings.

But aunt Tessie, I’m still feeling so empty. And all this time, I had been so alone. At sixteen, my father was gone, and my mother was in the hospital. My older sister lived abroad. Me and my little sister was alone together. I worked a lot in a cafe, and I got kicked out. Eventually, I started working at a boutique. And I met Shabby, and he supported me a lot. He was my best friend, also struggling with his girlfriend, Natasha.

One time, I was in need for money. Lord, I don’t have enough money. I needed more money for my little sister’s tuition, and I also had problems for my own money. At home, we had two eggs, rice and two breads, I gave my sister the rice and eggs for her lunch and dinner, while I’d have bread. But as a child, she didn’t know how poor we were, and she ate it all, leaving me in hunger. I’ll work hard for her, for my sister. I’d be willing to do anything for her. I had just turned seventeen, and I need help. Please guide me and give me strength, Aunt Tessie. Thank you and I love you.