"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I miss you so very much. You have missed a lot in the past year. I know you probably wouldn’t remember anything though because you are just a baby. We had a party for you on your first birthday. We sent balloons up to you in heaven. I hope you have seen them. One day you will be able to read them and know exactly how much you are loved and missed by not just me but everyone in our family. You are seriously the most loved little boy I have ever met. Not a day goes by without me thinking about you. I am constantly wishing you were still here with us. I wanted to watch you grow up into a young man and become an amazing person. Now you get to watch me get older and grow. I’m sad it had to be the other way around but we will meet again someday and catch up on everything. I hope you and great papa are having fun up there. I only met him when I was a baby just like you are and from all of the stories I have heard of him he is an amazing, funny man. I hope you are having a good time up there with him. The day we met is one day I will never forget. It was one memorable moment in my life. When we arrived at the hospital I was excited to see you but no one knew that it would be our first and last time. I often think about that day. I wish I would have got more pictures of you and with you and I wish I wasn’t so eager to leave. I was such a mess and I couldn’t handle the fact of losing you. We were all in that hospital all day long waiting for our little baby, you, to arrive so we could finally meet you. I think you made our family 10 times stronger though. A lot has changed since everything that happened. I feel like we have just all become closer as a family. I wish you were here today. I had this plan to write you a letter for your first birthday and I started to write it but I couldn’t bring myself to finish it because of how hard it was to write it. Everything seems so hard without you. I know it’s been over a year but every memory of that night sticks with me and it will forever. Your little baby face was the cutest. We all said you looked like an old man. Your body wasn’t even as big as the bear Mimi bought you. You were like a little peanut. Holding you felt as light as a feather. The whole time I was holding you I felt so lucky. Like, I was the only cousin who got to see you and I stuck there the whole time and was such a trooper through the whole tragedy. One the thing I will never forget is when your dad came up to me and gave me the biggest hug because he was so grateful that I came and stayed. That is not like your dad at all. It means so much to me that he did that. I took a walk with him to go get drink too and things felt different between us. It wasn’t a bad different, but it was a good different. As you might have seen we went to a walk in honor of you. Things did not go too well at that walk but I feel like everyone thought it was worth it in the end. We are planning to go next year and you should have your picture in the program with everyone else. This lady talked about her experience of the loss of a child. It was so emotional and inspiring. I listened to it carefully and from what I remember she said the first year was guilt, sadness, depression and confusion. I felt all of those. Coming into the second year I feel better but not all the way okay and that is what she said the second year would look or feel like. I insisted on seeing you the day of homecoming. I wanted to get our pictures there again so I could see you but my idea was vetoed only because we got them there last year. I got ready for homecoming super early that morning and I had time to come and see you just like I wanted to. I got pictures with you like I always do and me, my mom, Heather, Mimi, Ella and Jenna visited you. Audrey also painted a pumpkin for you. I painted one for lauren. I was kinda upset no one asked me to paint one for you though because I just feel like you are my prized possession. You mean the world to me and I didn’t really even know lauren so I just felt weird painting something for her ya know. But it’s okay. I want to go visit you again soon. When I can drive my plan is to come see you every time I pass by the cemetery. So watch out because you are going to be seeing a lot of me after June 21st. As long as I have a car but I am just crossing my fingers I do. You are 100% my favorite cousin and you will always have a special place in my heart no doubt. Everytime I go to your grave to see you I picture this big black tent over the burial site and everyone in our family there surrounding the tent with so much love. Your castet was white and it was the smallest castet I have ever seen. Everyone says baby funerals are the hardest and they really are. I have never cried so much in my life. I am pretty sure I was the loudest one there because my friends could hear me on the other side of the tent and they came to comfort me. My bestest friends came to the funeral too and it meant the world to me. You would have loved them if you got to meet them. Im sure Amara would have loved you because she has a thing for all my boy cousins. We all know its a joke but it is just funny to see Ben´s reaction. So, this is really long but I just wanted to say I love you so much Jameson! More than anyone could imagine. I would do anything to see you just one more time and hold you just for a few more minutes. Our time together was precious and will forever be savored. I love you bunches. Till we meet again…