"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I keep on rewatching your videos after your death. I watched SNL, your variety shows with shinee, and everything else. I am entertained but then suddenly remember the fact that hey, you don’t exist anymore. It feels so surreal because last time I checked you were still alive. Ha. I was wrong, I guess.

Do you know how much it hurt, Jonghyun? To find updates about you only to find out you committed suicide. I never knew what you were up to but I was so blinded by the fact that your life was at risk. I prayed many times but your company released a final statement that broke my heart. I cried and shouted in pain, in agony.

But I guess it was really for your best. I read your last message and it hurts. Everything hurts right now. I think you were trying to find acceptance and self worth but to no avail. I wish I could turn back time and I might have sent you a message that can atleast, cheer you up a bit. I wish I had tried to present my love for you even if my savings are at risk. hahahaha. It’s too late now.

I just want you to know that if you hadn’t gone to heaven so early, you might have experienced a lot of beautiful things: getting married, having a child, an anniversary with your members…But I understand. I think I understand. Your pain was too much to bear you couldn’t wait for these events to happen. I understand and I’m sorry.

I miss you so much. And probably everyone who is mourning with me right now feels the same. I’m sorry that I couldn’t do anything. I love you so much, jjong, more than the distance of the moon from the Earth. Nothing can ever measure my love for you.

I hope you’re playing kazoo in heaven, singing as an angel and having fun up there. Don’t worry. Where you are now, you’re safe from the cruel world. Thank you for the pearl aqua blue moon!

See you on the other side, Jonghyun-ah. ‘Til we meet again, my love.