"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I saw this on the book I recently bought. It says that I’ll have to go to this website if I have something to say to someone whose gone. You weren’t dead. But, you were gone.

I remember the first day I felt something blossoming between us. It was in school, when the weather was gloomy and the classroom was dirty and our classmates were noisy and I was sleepy. I saw you in the corner of my eye, you trying to sleep and mute the noise. I went to the other side of the classroom and made balls of tissue, and handed a pair to you. You looked at it with confusion.

“It’s too noisy, right?”, I said. You smiled and nodded, accepting my lame attempt. I went back to my seat and put my head down. You did the same, and suddenly we were holding eye contact. I was trying to think what you were thinking. And I think i did: you were thinking of me.

You were friends with my bestfriend, and every breaktime you always approached us and talked to us. Then one day in August, you spilled your secret: you liked me. That was my first time being liked by a person. I was nervous yet excited at the same time.

We kept being friends. Your first gift to me was a bracelet with gold and silver butterflies on it. You gave it to me at lunch, and my friends were teasing me. I felt giddy. I was going to leave school after lunch because I had an awarding for a writing contest. You passed me a note. I was really nervous, but I opened it during the ride to the event. “Goodluck! I love you!” I didn’t know what to say. I smiled. But on that day, i really won. I won first place. But it feels like I won another: you.

There was a play at school. You asked to see my hand, after showing of your phone that had me as your wallpaper. I held it in front of you, not knowing your thoughts. You looked at it really seriously, but then you grazed your fingertips on mine and held my hand. I was blushing real hard. “Someone might see us!”, I panicked. You told me, “What’s the matter?” but you opened your bag and hid our intertwined hands.

After that, a teacher went to us and said, “What was that? I am going to talk to you both tomorrow.” I denied everything really hard and you were just standing there, smiling. When I got home, I chatted with you, asking you questions with “What if’s”, but you said, “Don’t worry, okay? Everything will be alright.”

Yet, I had strict parents telling me not to date, only until after college. I broke that promise when you came. And I was so sorry when I did all things, but then in the end I left you like nothing happened. I guess those were my flaws: not fulfilling the promises I made; and afraid of doing everything wrong.

But I’m telling you, you were not “wrong”. When I apologized to you after avoiding you for months, I tried to hug you. And I left, but I hugged you again. And even though I was the one who initiated it, I felt protected. You were hugging me, and I just felt like melting in your arms.

We had a notebook we wrote notes on during class. It had so much memories in it. But when we grew farther to each other, I felt crying when I see it. I guess I really miss you. And all the other letters, I kept them all. I never forgot the feeling of being in love.

You were just a dream. And when you came, I never held on to you. I just watched you, but I let go when you were at your highest, and I felt like falling until I woke up. But you were an angel, and when I let go of your wings, they were torn, and you fell too.

I never liked you. But I have grown to like you, because you were sincere with me and treat me gummi worms whenever and granted all my wishes and made me laugh and gave me chocolates and gave me a kiss on the cheek and made me love letters and made me feel loved. You made me feel all these sensations that I never thought i would feel.

Everytime I see you, it hurt because I knew you changed. I changed you. After our “break”, you hanged out with other girls, and you never took them seriously. But you had the chance and the courage to ask me if you could court me, and I never took you seriously. You grew distant again. If I went too close to you, you said that you still liked me. And I did, too. I never not liked you.

I’m truly sorry. I went too close to you but then I go away again. I ‘m sorry if you wasted a lot of money on me. I’m sorry if you used up all the paper and ink you had to write me letters. I’m sorry if I used up your time just talking to you and annoying you. I’m sorry if I didn’t let you know that I loved you, but you did. I’m sorry if you still hoped that I liked you because I provoked you. I’m so sorry.

There was a line in Ava Dellaira’s book. Tristan, one of Laurel’s friends, said that when we are in love, we are both completely in danger and completely saved. That’s what happened. We were in danger of falling for each other too much. We were in danger of going on another level than just being attached. We were in danger of everything that’s happening around us, doing careless things.
But we are also saved. saved by the reality that keeps on waking us up from our dreams. Saved by the freedom that let us be in love. Saved by having nothing but each other. I can never be thankful for all of these you made me feel.

One thing is for sure: you were part of my life. And even though I’m just joking and talking freely now about our past, and you are just laughing and happy with a pretty and clever and a better girl than me, remember that there was this beautiful idea of us. That the stars were aligned just for us in that short time that felt like an infinity.

I loved you. I love you. And I will love you. And I hope that even if you are now gone, gone in my life…please never forget me. Please don’t think of me as a painful memory. Please don’t remember me as the one that got away. Please don’t regard me as a girl who I fell for and whom I cried for. But please remember me as the Girl in the Room, who innocently gave you tissue balls to mute the noisy world and stopped time just to stare at your whole, fragile, broken, yet beautiful whole being. Please don’t forget us.