"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I’ve whritten you so many letters here in the past year, but I just can’t stop. Seems like every now and then I have to come here and put it all out, because after all this time it still gets too much and this is one of the few ways I can get it all out. I’m realy glad that Ava wrote this book and that this site exsists. Like that you realy have the feeling that the dead person you are whriting to gets your message, sees it all, knows it all.

I still can’t believe your dead. Like dead…what is dead but a word? When I say it out loud or even in my mind, it seems just so wrong. It’s hard that I wake up in the middle of the night and the first thing I think of is ”he’s dead”. And then there are days when I totally expect you to come home, like you were just out with your friends like always. I think I’m dealing with this the wrong way, but I don’t know no other. I blame you a lot, I know I shouldn’t, I know I should understand or at least try to and I do, don’t get me wrong, but I still blame you. Because you made the decision to go, and that hurts so much, because I KNOW I COULD HAVE HELPED YOU. I COULD!!! And then you would still be living and we could do so much things together and you would always take care of me, that’s what big brothers do. I need you like that and it’s just so hard to live a life like that, knowing that I’ll never ever again make a memory with you. Never again take a picture with you. Never again talk to you, drive with you…never do anything with you. It seems like I have so little memories with you, like we did to little and now we’re never getting a chance to do anything again.

It hurts so bad that I never hear your footsteps again in the middle of the night when you come home from a party. Or the music from your room. Or the laugh when you watch a funny movie. Or that I don’t see your shoes in the hall. I wish you wouldn’t have done that. I could have helped.

I love you and I’m sorry I never said it.

Please helpe me from above, I can’t do it all by myself. I realy need you, I do.