"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Happy 27th birthday, first love. Today is your birthday, another year you’re gone from our sights but another year, you’re in our hearts. I keep trying to write about you so many times here but ended up deleting all those words at the end. I couldn’t find enough courage to do so, but here I am today, trying to rewrite all those words again on your birthday. There’s only one thing I wanna say to you, I miss you. Really miss you. It’s been five years now, but I still couldn’t forgive myself for all those mistakes I did towards yourself in the past. People around myself keep saying that I shouldn’t blame myself and I should forgive myself in order for me to moving on. But how can I forgive myself when I’m the one who have done wrong here? I try, love. But I just couldn’t. I’m sorry. I know you don’t even want me to act this way either. I just need more time but I couldn’t promise yourself when I can get over it. I don’t appreciate the times God has been given to me when you’re still alive. Since we broke up, you never missed to come to my house every year just to see me but I’ve never want to see you. I know, I was still angry because of what has happened to us before, it just 14 days left until our one year as a couple but you wanted to break up out of the blue. It’s not easy for me at that time and now I know why I couldn’t see you all these times. I was still angry at you and I’m sorry . I’m sorry for not seeing you even once all those years you’re trying to reconcile back with me. I’m sorry for not appreciating all those times God has been given to us. I’m sorry for unable to attend your funeral. I’m sorry for unable to visit you until today. I’m sorry for not giving you second chance to fix everything between us. I’m sorry for unable to apologize earlier & bid last farewell to you. I’m sorry, love. I hope you’re in good place up there with Dad & Big Sister. I’ll visit you someday when I’ve enough courage. Till then, wait for me. You’re always the first one in my heart even though you couldn’t be the last one.