"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I don’t know what’s making me write you this. I didn’t know you. But I knew your little brother, Joe. He was one of my best friends.
I remember finding out that you had tried to kill yourself. I was sitting in the back of my history class with my two friends. People had been sad all morning but I didn’t know what was going on. Then, Haley showed me a facebook post that her mom had posted and everything made sense. It hit me why Joe hadn’t been at school.
Apparently, that Wednesday, 2 days earlier, your dad had found yourself hanging from your bunk bed, your belt around your neck. He called 911 and you were taken to the hospital. By the time I found all of this out, on Friday, you had been on life support for 2 days. They didn’t know if you would wake up. I didn’t know what to do so I walked around our neighborhood, earbuds in my ears, volume turned all the way up, listening to the same 2 songs over and over again.
Joe texted me and told me the next day that you weren’t going to wake up. I was devastated. Your family decided to keep you on life support for a bit longer so that your extended family could come say goodbye. I remember the texts between me and Joe the night before the day you passed away. He was so, so sad. He told me he didn’t know if he could be in the room when they turned off the machines. I didn’t know what to say. We were only in 7th grade, 13 years old.
The day you died, January 20th, 2014, I spent time with Charlie, Joe’s best friend and one of your friends, too. At 2:45, we went to the church together and lit candles. I remember sitting in the pew with him and looking at my phone and seeing the clock go from 2:59 to 3:00 and I lost it. 3:00 was the time that they turned off the life support machine. You were dying. But I guess that I realized you had been dying far before then. You were in so much pain. I leaned forward in the pew, sobbing uncontrollably. I could barely breathe, it hurt so bad.
I went to your funeral with Haley. I wore a red dress since it was your favorite color. I was doing okay until the very end when your parents and siblings walked down the aisle, out of the church, holding the urn where your ashes were. That was the first time I saw Joe cry. There was so much pain in his eyes. After the funeral, Joe and me hung out in the staircase, avoiding everyone. We didn’t talk about you though. We just sat on our phones and took pictures.
In the months that followed, I went to your house to hang out with Joe. Your photograph hangs up on the wall when you first walk in, next to Joe’s, Ivy’s, and Ted’s. I remember going up to Joe’s room and looking across the hall at the closed door. All I could think about was what happened behind the door. I wondered if the message that you wrote in lipstick on your mirror, “It’s not your fault,” was still there. Joe and I played with your bunny. The towel we put it on had your name painted on with fabric paint. Everything in that house reminded me of you.
It’s been over 4 years since all of that happened. I’ve struggled a lot since then. I don’t blame you for my depression. I believe that it would have come up eventually, but your suicide was the thing that triggered it to begin with. I tried to kill myself this past October. I slit my wrists in my car on Halloween. I know how it felt to be in your position. There was so, so, so much sadness and hopelessness and fear in my heart. It obviously didn’t work. I’m still here! And I’m pretty happy. I’ve been in treatment for the past 9 months. I’m at a center in Utah and life is looking up. I wish you could’ve survived to experience what it’s like to recover because it’s a damn good feeling. I wish you could’ve experienced turning 16 and 18 and graduating from high school and going to college. But I understand that you couldn’t imagine making it. I understand it and I forgive you.
I love you and I miss you and so does your family. I hope you read your dad’s facebook posts and know how much love he has for you. You are so, so loved. I hope things are better for you now.
Until we meet again