"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Even though you are not dead, I still want to write this love letter to you and it doesn’t matter even if you won’t able to read it.

Z, when we were young I promised myself that I would never have a crush on you or any feelings higher than friendship. You’re short and you didn’t even passed my height, you’re awfully quiet, and most of all you’re in love with my best friend, A. I was happy because I get to know you on 8th grade and even though I am so intimated to you, I managed to sit down next to you.

We laughed, talked about friends and the new teachers, do each other’s favors, sing if requested and sometimes you’ll show me magic tricks on your magic black cards you got from the Internet. On 10th grade our one year friendship grew apart. you were with the boys and of course I was with my clique. By the end of the school year, your best friend (which happens to be my close friend too) told me that you wanted to break up with my other best friend, C. You asked me for advice ’cause you didn’t know how to break up with her and as a friend, I helped you.

A month has passed and you told me like A again and that you wanted to court her. “Go for the gold!”, I said. I was being nosy and listening and asking you about your own relationship with A. One day, you asked me if I can be your love guide. The one who will tell you what to do and what not to do in a relationship, I agreed.

As we talk more and more about love, we got so close. We would have our own inside jokes, Love guide meet-ups and sometimes we tell each other’s problems even if it’s not related to love.

One night, I was still talking to you about a T.V series we both love. Suddenly, while I was talking to you, I smiled unconsciously. without any reason. I noticed that when we’re talking, I feel like I own you and you own me.–And that’s when I realized that I like you, Z.

Everybody in our class knows that I don’t like you before, I also promised I never will and most of all you are the boyfriend of my dearest best friend. Even though I really want to shout my feelings for you to the world, I can’t. and I won’t. We we’re watching a thai romantic movie and both of us are not talking… and I can’t stand it.

“So, how are things going with you and A?”, I asked. I was a little nervous talking to you at that time. You said, “We’re fine.”

After the thai movie, we didn’t get to hang out because you were busy. Of course, I said I was busy too so you won’t think I really want to hang out with you. It was a late night , midnight, and you already text-ed me “Good night” and I was about to sleep but you sent me another message. I didn’t understand the message so I called you. “What do you mean you two broke up?”, I asked immediately. You replied, “She wanted it. I broke up with her ’cause I have a feeling that she doesn’t like me anymore.”

Days passed and we still talk to each other even though you have no Love problems. I assumed you just wanted to talk to me, hang out with me. It’s in the middle of April, I was busy finishing my manuscript and then C called me. “Z likes you.” , she said. I chuckled and said, “Are you nuts? How can you be so positive about that?” and then she told me the whole story that you told her you like me.

I confronted you and you confirmed that you really like me. You even text-ed me “i love you” with a kiss-y face emoticon, late at night. but then every thing changed. I moved to a new school and didn’t talk much in the next summer.

Now, you’re there in England. Text-ing the one who you truly love which is A. and i don’t want to ruin it.

So, Z, I am writing this love letter to you so that I can shout my feelings out! I know you’ll be much happier with her than here at my side. I love you, Z but I have to let you go.