"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

It’s been just over 8 months since you left us and I still struggle with accepting that you are gone. I wish you knew just how much everyone loved you, I wish you knew how much you meant to all of us.
Mom is not ok. She still cries all the time. She holds us all tighter and seems so much more …. I don’t know lonelier. You were the golden child for her. It’s true. You could never do anything wrong. And now you’ve broken not just her heart but all of our hearts. Your dad isn’t handling it well either. He’s not drinking but he’s gone back to pills. As for your youngest sister she is coping on her own. Dude, her and I used to be close and now she won’t talk to me. She leans on her roommate instead. And that’s killing me. I wish she’d talk to me and spend time with me, I feel like I’m loosing her too. You other sister is well … She’s handling it probably better than all of us. Her and I have gotten a bit closer and that’s good. But she’s always been a more private person than the rest of us. So, I could be wrong about her handling it better than any of us. What she does behind closed doors is unknown. Your niece, my baby girl is doing ok, now. For awhile there I was quite worried about her. She cried a lot. I still catch her from time to time crying or just sad from missing you. I still thing you were the angel that saved her in her car accident. She was the only one to walk away from that crash practically unharmed. You always did carry that protector attitude, even though you were my baby brother. I can never thank you enough.
I’m not dealing with losing you very well. I’m sick of people telling me that it gets easier. It doesn’t. I cry regularly. I try to do it when I’m alone but the funny thing about grief is sometimes it hits ya in the oddest of places. I wear your tank tops. And I kept the hoodie that the medics cut off of you. When I need you and am struggling I hold it and cry thinking of you. You see little brother, with the almost 14 years between us, I very much treated you as if you were my baby. Mom got pregnant with the twins when you were just 2 months old. So with 2 more babies on the way mom and your dad would have 3 little ones. I had you to care for while they took care of the girls. I loved you unconditionally even before you were born. And once you were born, wow … You were my dude. Mom and I would actually fight over holding you and dressing you. Did you know that? I took you everywhere. If we went shopping, I’d push the stroller or carry you in my arms, and any chance I got I told strangers you were mine.
Oh Dude, 24 is too young to go. Why … Why did you have to drive that drunk out on that road. Why? I told you the day before to please call me, I didn’t care what time, I’d come get you any where. I know you were angry and I know you were hurt. I get that. But Dude …. She wasn’t …. And isn’t worth it. I know mom is hoping and praying that the baby she is carrying is yours. If the dates are true then it’s not possible to be yours. Don’t you worry tho, if she’s lying about the dates and her baby boy is yours, we’ll get visitation and teach him all about you.
You used to laugh and chuckle and say the good die young, now I think you somehow knew you would die young. You always did wild and crazy things. Our world here is darker without you. Don’t you see, you were the light in our little dysfunctional family. You were all of our favorite person. It’s like I can hear you chuckle right now. I miss you so much Dude. I miss hearing you walk thru the front door at moms house asking about what she has for food cause you’re starving. I miss hearing you tell me you love me and you’ll see me later. My birthday is just weeks away …. I’m dreading it. Knowing you won’t be around to make fun of the whole getting old and being almost 40. You won’t call me or text me to say Happy Birthday. Winter is coming, who will I call if my new car gets stuck in snow? We are looking into moving soon, who is going to help me move?
Before I end this, I just want you to know your friends are hurting too. They still visit your grave and they post on your Facebook page almost daily still. You were more loved than I think you realized.
Dude, I love you so much. I miss you more and more with each passing day. I’m sure I’ll see ya again someday. Until that day ….. Love ya, bye