"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

When you died, it tore me in half. I cried over you every night for a year, and I hope you didn’t see me from wherever you are. The biggest thing I regret is not being there to say goodbye. To be honest, I don’t remember a lot of the good times with you. All I remember is the yelling and the surgeries. Especially imagining the first surgery. I don’t remember quite well if we saw your first surgery, and I like to think we didn’t. I know the yelling wasn’t you either, it was the brain tumor. I just want you to know that I love you.

it has been more then a year now since my whole life changed. I want you to know that it is not you’re fault. It has never been you’re fault. You couldn’t know what kind of person he was. And that is okay. In the past year I started feeling a little better. His hands are still there but i finnaly feel like I have control over my life again. I am proud of the person I am now an sometimes i miss you ( the old me). I miss the happy girl who Always saw the good in people . But to be honest you were very naief and had not seen enough to know what I know now. Now I know that you can not trust evrybody. I learned a lot about myself and i am finnaly starting to live without the feeling of him controlling me.

it will be okay

I just finished my first semester of college, and it got me thinking that soon I’ll be the same age you were when you passed. I don’t like this thought; it reminds me that I am growing older, but you aren’t. That at some point, I’ll have lived longer than you did, and I’ll make memories that you would never get that chance to make. But then again, maybe I’m wrong; maybe you lived too many days then could fit into your nineteen years on earth, and it was overwhelming. maybe that’s why you did what you did. Maybe that’s why you stole yourself away from us. I can’t understand why that was your final choice, after you filled your day with doing so much good for others, but that confusion is something that I have to live with, and not you. I wish you had stuck around to fill the rest of the days with good.

Eu finalmente tomei coragem, abri o jogo quanto a ser afim dela e chamei ela para sair (você ficaria surpreso com isso). Ela disse que sim, mas está me enrolando agora, o que é um saco, mas estarei esperando, vai que uma hora desenrola. Ela voltou a ser minha web-fã, quem sabe seja um bom sinal. Se não for, pelo menos ela me acha legal (?), não sei. Não que isso tenha utilidade.

Você é um mala por me deixar sem conselhos amorosos da sua parte.

Caso algo aconteça, volto a te atualizar sobre isso. Me deseje sorte.

Amo você, pentelho. Muito luz para ti, Tazz.

Se eu tivesse certeza que iria ti encontrar do outro lado, não pensaria duas vezes em me unir a ti. Eu te amo tanto, que não ti ter faz um vazio tão grande em mim.

Not that you’re dead, not physically, but emotionally it’s like you’ve lost everything you had. You are dead inside. It hurts, how you put a smile on your face everyday, you fake your happiness and continue living like nothing is happening, but sure it is. You don’t feel good, you don’t feel loved, but most of all, you actually don’t feel anything. I’m sorry you’re o young and going through this hell by yourself. You’re gonna be okay, I promise.

It’s been more than a year now. I’m so confused. I don’t know why i’m doing the things i’ve been doing. I really do want to fix myself. I hate not having you around. It’s like I lost my bestest friend. I’m so sorry for everything I miss you so much

Eu sei que você gostaria que eu estivesse feliz, então resolvi te contar que estou.

Alguns dias, hoje sendo um deles, não cai a ficha que você não está mais aqui, não é de todo ruim, pois assim consigo escrever para ti. Estou com saudades, quero que saiba mesmo que você não possa mais sanar essa saudade.

Acredita que estou gostando de alguém? Uma garota ainda por cima hahaha. Ela não me dá moral pessoalmente e eu deveria fugir, mas ela é minha web-fã e eu sou esperançosa e otimista, então . Você era um Dom Juan, gostaria de ter o seu charme com as garotas. A mãe disse que era porque você era engraçado e gentil com elas, então deve ser isso, um dia eu aprendo. Me deseje sorte para conquistar ela.

A faculdade vai bem, quer dizer…. indo. Meus amigos de lá são maneiros.

FINALMENTE tirei a carteira, estou esperando chegar para andar por ai só no vrum vrum.

Amo você, Tazz. Muita luz para ti.

there are simply no words to describe how it feels now. i used to think the world of you. i was without a shadow of doubt, a papa’s girl. you were my favorite person in the whole world when i was a kid, and now you’re gone and i have no idea how to be with okay with that. i am now 23, almost 24 years old. you left when i was 13, almost 14. you missed out on so much of my life. i remember when you passed, it was october 2, 2009, a friday. i was taking a nap after school and my phone kept vibrating on my chest, mama was calling me. i answered the phone in a sleepy haze, and she said “papa passed away…” i was quiet. she spoke again, “do you understand?” i don’t remember much after that. i would not even dare to look at you in your casket, and i avoided looking at you at all cost, and now i wish i could have gotten one last glance at you, but i didn’t want to remember you that way. the last time i saw you, you were smiling, laughing, and cooking on ... Read more

Hii, I hope you’re doing okay. I know its bad for me to say this , but I’m lowkey jealous of you. You don’t have to experience how shitty and chaotic this world is. Lately, there’s too much things going on in our family, I don’t know how dad is able to handle it. I can’t and I refused to acknowledge it. I can feel my body giving up on me, also school is hard (what’s new?) . I feel like this month is going to be a challenge. I don’t know how I’m gonna cope, but I think I’ll be okay. Sometimes, I wonder, if you were still here, would things be completely different? Could you prevent the situation from happening? or would it be more chaotic? Who knows. Anyways, please rest well, we will take good care of your wife and the things here, don’t worry.