"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

It’s been 3 years since you are gone. I missed you more than everything. I missed playing with your fluffy hair, watch movies together. Now you are gone. I had to move on. So i got a new bf. After your death I started to hate doctors. I hope you are happy now.I don’t have so many things to say… I am grewing my hair out! I am doing workouts everyday. I’m following your guide… I wish you were here and were able to see these.

Next year it will be 10 years since you have been gone, So much has happened. After you passed mom stopped paying the rent and didn’t tell anyone about it, so the cops came and removed all 4 of us and all four cats from the house. Our belongings were on the street and I could only find temporary homes for 2 of the cats so the other two went to a shelter, As if losing you wasn’t hard enough. Scott and I moved by Shannon in fox lake. We weren’t there long. While I was there a co worker of mine gave me Heroin for the first time, it made me sick and I wasn’t sure about it, but I’d end up going back to it. When mom didn’t enroll Will in school the year after you passed, I ended up having Mom sign custody of will over to me so that I could make sure will had a stable place to make it thru High school. You guys had him out of school for 6 years at that point I felt any longer and he would have been crippled. After you passed she completely went off the ... Read more

Te escribo esta carta a ti, porque en estos instantes estoy terminando de leer el libro el cual escribiste para que nosotros pudiéramos apreciarlo y quiero contarte que este libro lo compré en el 2017, estaba con mis amigas las cuales en ese entonces compartíamos un gusto adorable por la lectura, al verlo en el estante me llamó mucho la atención talvez era por el nombre y decidí comprarlo, mi abuela falleció en el 2016 y cuando lo leí en ese entonces me rompió el corazón podía entender el dolor y te acompañaba con ese dolor, hoy después de 6 años lo volví a leer y quiero decirte que tuve una experiencia muy diferente, si me volvió a romper el corazón, pero esta vez es diferente esta vez siento que puedo sentir tu dolor ya que en el 2022 falleció mi hermana, ya un año a pasado y no tengo el valor de escribirle una carta dedicada a ella, su nombre era Marisela y era mi compañera de vida, compartimos tantas aventuras juntas. Quiero tener el valor de asi como tu lo hiciste de poderle dedicar una carta a mi hermana, espero algún día poder lograrlo.

Siempre con cariño Ashley tu lectora ... Read more

There is so much I wish I could’ve said before you had your first stroke. After that, you were never the same. You still tried to be. You still tried to smoke and eat candy and walk around. But you couldn’t. You couldn’t do those things while sustaining your life. We all loved you so much and we just wanted you to get better. I regret that I couldn’t say everything I needed to. I never got to come out to you. You didn’t see any of my plays. You didn’t get to come to my eighth-grade graduation. I think if I would’ve got to tell you I was trans, you wouldn’t have cared. You always just called me your grandbaby. I don’t think you would’ve treated me any differently. Nothing ever changed how you treated me. When you were sick and poor, you still got me things. You gave me an easter basket with sour patch kids frosting glued on to newspapers. I didn’t eat any of them, but you gave me a basket and that’s what matters. You loved me and that’s what will always matter. I miss you Gran and I wish I could tell you everything. ... Read more

I know that you are alive and with me. We’ve been together for a little while now but I want to tell you something. I know you aren’t the kind of person that shows love with kisses, presents and all. Actually, you don’t really show your love. I am overthinking the fact that maybe you don’t love me anymore. I don’t know how to say it but, it’s like you’re bored when you’re with me. When we were still friends, we used to talk more than now. I don’t know how to feel about that. I just want you to know that if you don’t really love me, that’s okay, I will not be mad. I just want you to tell me the truth about that. I even don’t know why you love me, I am not special, not good looking, not good at sports. I just read all the time and try to catch a conversation when I’m with my friends. Please tell me why.

With love

I know you’re not dead, but my love for you is. Every minute with you was so joyous, and every time I saw you my stomach did a million flips. But that’s not there anymore. I now realize that the entire time I loved, I wasn’t loving myself. I neglected my needs and the needs of everyone around me. I lied to myself and I would make myself believe you felt the same way, but now that I have had time away from you, I realized that wasn’t love. It was obsession. I was obsessed with you because you were one of the only boy who didn’t like me. I needed you. And because of you, I ruined my relationships with a lot of people. I remember learning your schedule, your birthday, your full name, and everything about you. And I thought about it, and you are a horrible person. You always put down the people around you and point out the insecurities. You make rape jokes and say disgusting things about your friends. You never think about what you’re about to say. And yes, maybe i am a horrible person too. But I don’t care. You caused me pain, ... Read more

I know you’re not dead, but my love for you is. Every minute with you was so joyous, and every time I saw you my stomach did a million flips. But that’s not there anymore. I now realize that the entire time I loved, I wasn’t loving myself. I neglected my needs and the needs of everyone around me. I lied to myself and I would make myself believe you felt the same way, but now that I have had time away from you, I realized that wasn’t love. It was obsession. I was obsessed with you because you were one of the only boy who didn’t like me. I needed you. And because of you, I ruined my relationships with a lot of people. I remember learning your schedule, your birthday, your full name, and everything about you. And I thought about it, and you are a horrible person. You always put down the people around you and point out the insecurities. You make rape jokes and say disgusting things about your friends. You never think about what you’re about to say. And yes, maybe i am a horrible person too. But I don’t care. You caused me pain, ... Read more

hoy es cribo esta carta para darles las gracias de haber existido en mi vida por estar cuando mas los necesite y que fueran mi pañuelo de lagrimas no saben lo orgullosa que estoy de que hallan sido parte de mi vida fueron un ejemplo a seguir para mi les doy las gracias por ser mis angeles no saben la falta que me hacen hay dias en que no logro asimilar que no estan a mi lado, quisiera hacerles una llamada para saber como estan pero se que no se puede o mas aun ir a verlos y darles un abrazo, sus muertes fueron tan repentinas que no nos la esperabamos desde que ustedes se fueron nuestros dias ya no son igual se siente que hace falta algo que ya la vida no es igual que ya se me fue mis figuras paternas, saben solo pido a Dios para que ustedes esten bien y que ya no los atormenten esos dolores que tenian, que ya desaparesca esos dolores en los pies y en todos sus cuerpos, le doy gracias a Dios por haberme dado tan buen papa y tan excelente abuelo el que despues de que te ... Read more

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder what has become of me. I often look into my eyes. They look as if they don’t belong to me. They stare so dull and empty into nothingness. I can hear them, when I’m alone. The voices. Blurred. As if through a wall. Sometimes, if I’m not careful, they pierce through. Tear down my walls and scream at me. They just call my name. Over and over again. They make me hate it. He reminds me too much of everything. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder what I’ve become. Until I realize they’re screaming for me. Because I can’t scream anymore. Because I’m too afraid of anyone hearing me. That’s why they’re screaming for me. They are screaming for me at me. Because I’m not good enough. Because I don’t think I’m good enough. But why should I be?

Shortly after you wrote me this text you were found dead. Thank you for sticking it out for so long. Thank you for all these beautiful memorys. I love you. To me you were always enough. I feel sorry for not telling you soon enough. I love you. I really do. ... Read more

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