"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I miss you so much every day I have you in the back of my mind always thinking of you. I remember when I was told about your death like it was yesterday. I have lived with you for most of my life, and you always livened up everything. When I was told you were going into a nursing home it broke me, and it felt like I had no one when I was told I knew that it was getting worse. even though you weren’t there every time I saw you you still made me smile and laugh. You were my best friend and the one person I trusted the most. You saw me at every low and were still there for me through it all no matter how bad it was. you always worried about me, and there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t worry about you. You were everything to me, and so strong and took care of me for most of my life with no complaints, and always tried your best. I loved helping you and being there for you no matter what you went through. You still ... Read more

I miss you so so much. I remember the night me and mom got the call like it was yesterday. I was just starting to really get to know you. I love looking at all the pictures of you and hearing all the funny things you have done. I wish I was hearing it from you though. It still doesn’t feel right every time I go visit papaw. It’s been really hard for me to deal with everything because it just doesn’t feel right. I love seeing little burn holes in things because it helps me remember you’re still with me.

lets me just start by saying these last 2 years have been an interesting ride. I’ve gone through so much since you left. Let me tell you some things that happened: I got my first real boyfriend you would have loved him but he broke my heart, I got into butler tech, I have gotten 2 concussions in this last year, my last name is back to Meyer, I got a new boyfriend and he treats me so well yesterday I went to the butler tech dance with him. It’s been very hard without you I miss our Sunday talks and your “lexi you be good until the next time I see you and have our Sunday talk.” It’s been hard not seeing you on the side line not cheering me on and not hearing your voice. I have over come so much and you would be so proud of me! I love you so much and ill see you soon.

Hey, it’s your favorite granddaughter. I wanted you to know that that dream of going to butler tech came true. I finally made it to a point in my life where I realize that I understand everything even tho it has almost been 8 years since you passed it’s just becoming harder and harder to keep going every day. I understood it when I was 8 it’s just getting harder, we used to do everything together you literally lived next to us. we would: go to your house every day, I would come over and watch cartoons with you, we would go outside a lot, we had yard sales every weekend, eat dinner together a lot, and I would run up and down the ramp of your truck. It feels like just yesterday we were outside on my 8th birthday playing with hula hoops. I still remember every time a train comes by depending on what way it is I missed my “school bus.” I think one of the hardest things is I never got to say goodbye. You were getting healthy again then they put you in a nursing home too early. I ended up finding out what ... Read more

10/25/2022 Dear Grandma, I’m just going to start by saying that this year has been quite the ride. I still cannot believe that it was almost a year ago that we all were watching the coffin being lowered into the ground on that gray December afternoon. It felt weird not having you here for Christmas and New Years\’ day. I still remember what the sky looked like the day you went to Heaven. I don’t know how everyone else feels about it since that was the last time we were all together. Now, we are about a month away from Thanksgiving and it will be the first time celebrating it without you. I still have the shoes that I wore to the service and I still remember grasping the cold metal handle of the casket and walking down the aisle and out to the hurse. That might have been one of the hardest things I did as a teenager. I remember saying very few words during the service and even for the rest of the day because… there were none. As I sit here in at my desk typing up this letter, it is close to that almost a year later, I ... Read more

Como saber?

A ideia de ser a certeza de alguém, me apavora. Eu não sou nem minha própria certeza.

Acabei de reparar que agora o Deck voltou a ser a nossa chácara, o nosso cantinho com Nescau tarde da noite, como se tudo fosse uma operação secreta. Quem diria que tudo acabaria num curto-circuito, e dessa vez sem pipas alegres no poste. Nem rostos pálidos sabendo da enrascada que tinha surgido. Nem você aqui para dizer que vai ficar tudo bem.

Eu estou apavorada. Não quero perder algo tão bom, alguém que faz eu me sentir como ninguém no mundo. Tenho medo de que ninguém me olhe com aqueles olhinhos e diga o quanto gosta de mim. Tenho medo que nem o corpo mais quentinho consiga me aquecer nas noites frias. Tenho medo que nenhum abraço seja como o dele e eu nunca mais seja consolada. Tenho medo que um outro aceite a minha pirraça no primeiro momento e tudo se acabe sem tentar.

Tenho medo de tentar e não conseguir. E não ser a pessoa certa. E ser tarde demais.

Ele me lembra você. E dói tanto deixar isso para trás. Porque o bom é bom, mas o ruim ... Read more

We’re 2 months and 6 days from the anniversary of the crash. I think about this time last year when we were all in class and you were still here. I still haven’t gotten over that you never got your license, graduated or any other experience. I think about your family and how they don’t get to celebrate holidays with you or even your birthday. I am still afraid of deer and windy roads at night because they make me think of the fear you must have had. I hope that you can see your friends and family and know that they are doing alright and that we all still think of you. I hope that wherever you are that you have found happiness as well.

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Hugs all the way from down here!

I’ve always wanted to write a letter to you both but I guess I didn’t really have enough time and strength to write one. It’s ironic how whenever I cry or breakdown, you both are the ones I call. I guess you know me well now. Especially that I just simply know that you watch over us up there. You know how I don’t open up to others. How I build up walls inside me that I don’t think anyone can simply break. That’s why whenever I’m at my lowest, at my weakest and even at my darkest, I call upon your names. It’s sometimes weird when I suddenly realize how I find comfort when calling your names instead of telling others how I feel. Weird right? But even though it may seem weird at some point, I just know for some unknown reason that you both listen to me. What I feel is stronger than what I see and that’s the case whenever I call you both. Something happened again today and I called your names again for the nth time and now I feel like I have muster up ... Read more

I never met you. You were born years before me, and died within the hour. Or so, that’s what I’m told. I wasn’t there. There were three of you. Mom miscarried the first, then she had you, and then there was Andrew who also couldn’t survive. Now, my mom has three children. Or rather, her second set of three. Except this time, we all survived. The doctors helped my mom, and she was able to carry all of us to term. I, like you, am the middle of three. I’m so grateful that I got to know my two living brothers. You didn’t ever meet Andrew, or your first brother, and they never got to meet you. It’s weird thinking about what the world would be like if the three of you survived, if my mom hadn’t miscarried. You would be introduced as the middle child, not me. Would you also like Harry Potter and Star Wars? Would you dream about dragons, and imagine them flying through the night sky? Would you have played the bass as well, and rocked out in jazz band and the pit orchestra? Would you have loved puns? Would you hike mountains and paddle in the bay? ... Read more