"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I went to your house the other day to see Nan, it still smells like you. Your hat and jacket is still hanging by the front door like it has been since the day you put it there. I walked in through the door waiting for you to greet with that big goofy smile and a big hug, but I wake up from my memory and there’s Nan, sitting down with your favourite coffee mug in hand touching it like it’ll bring back the touch of your hand. She looks at me and acts like it doesn’t kill her inside because you’re not there, I hate when she does that. We go out to your favourite place in the world, the garden and look at the potatoes, I helped Nan set all the vegetables, she says I had the same stupid look on my face as you did when you were digging, she also says you would’ve loved to see me in the garden poppy, and I know it’s true, I regret never going out there with you while I had the chance, I never went out there with you because of the fear of getting dirty, little did I ... Read more

I like to think you are proud of me. Everyone tells me you would be, but most of the time I question myself. I wonder if I’ve made too many mistakes and you are ashamed of me, was I too drunk at that party, should I have waited til I was married to have kids? Sometimes I just wish you could answer, I feel I’ve let you down in so many ways. If you are embarrassed by me I’m sorry, ever since I lost you I’ve been trying to figure out how to get back to normal and i realized my life is and never will be normal without you in it, so I try my best. For you, cause I know you’d want me to fight, and I will. I’ll fight.

It’s been 5 years you were taken from us. I still jump when the phone rings hoping it’s you, my life has changed so much in 5 years. I’m 22 now, I’m an adult. I have an amazing boyfriend who treats me amazingly just like you wanted for me, I’m also having a little baby girl, we are thinking of naming her Charlotte Lorraine after you. I hope you’re proud of me

It’s been almost two years now, since I told you how I feel about you. I’m sure you probably won’t ever see this…but even though that may be the case, I’m going to write this anyway. I wasn’t in love with the idea of being with you. I was and still am in love with you. We don’t really talk anymore, we drifted apart, just like we said we wouldn’t do. But I still love you. I still love your smile, the way you laughed about almost anything, the way your hair smelled. It’s been almost two years and I’m still crying, wishing we would have had our chance, wishing I would have kissed you the night we stood in the parking lot talking to each other till one in the morning. I miss your hugs, I miss catching you look at me when no one was watching, I miss the cute little messages that lit up my phone. I kept the messages, I can’t bring myself to get rid of them. I still listen to sledgehammer every single day, because it was our code word. I would give up everything in my life for you. In a heartbeat. ... Read more

You are not dead. You are still living, breathing, and alive. But to me, you might as well be dead. I don’t remember you. Mom says that I lived with you until I was around one, but I cannot remember a thing. You hated going to the courts to pay Child Fund, but you also told my mom countless of times to let me live with you. Why? You don’t know me. You don’t know the foods I like or the movies that make me cry and smile. You don’t know what I look like now. You know only my name and the face I wore as a baby.

You are a stranger.

It hasn’t even been 3 years since you’ve been gone and already everything has changed. We haven’t seen Perette around at all even though mom always leaves soda bread at the door when she doesn’t answer. The few times I’ve seen her since the wake the happiness in her eyes has gotten less and less. I didn’t just lose you when you died though, I lost your son too; my best friend. He’s gotten into the wrong crowd and no matter how hard I try I can’t get him back. That hurts almost as much as losing you. I can’t imagine how hard it is for bit of them though, losing a husband and a father. I had such a hard time trying to get back to normal after you died. I had to go to the guidance counselor so many times for breaking down in the middle of class and I couldn’t stand the way she looked at me and asked questions so I just started skipping classes to cry in the bathroom. I still get upset when I see the bench they dedicated to you, or when my dad tries to make grilled corn ... Read more

Hey.. It’s your granddaughter, again. I needed someone to talk to, but everyone’s so busy in their own life, I don’t want my problems to be added in their own problems. So I’ll just rant here for awhile okay? I took my English oral examination today. I don’t know, I think I did badly. I was stuttering, nervous, I felt like crying when I was talking to the examiners. After the exam, I immediately burst out, I cried. I cried because I thought I fucked up. I thought that’s the end, I’m going to fail my whole national exam now and I have no future anymore. But then, I realised I was just over thinking. But I just couldn’t stop crying because I was so disappointed in myself. It’s so so difficult, my life is so difficult. I really want to give up, but I know I can’t. I can’t disappoint my parents, teachers and.. Myself. I have to persever a couple of months more and I’ll be done. I just want to make my family proud, that’s all. And it’s so hard. I am so terrified that I might lost my motivation because of this. I’m scared that ... Read more

Do you think I should join you soon? Does it not hurt there? Because it hurts here so much.

Its been a while, huh. You have been gone for almost 5 months, and well like the world says, its supposed to get easier, but it isn’t getting any easier. It’s getting harder and harder. You have no idea how i am handling myself. I miss you everyday, all the time. You came as a blessing in my life, taught me to care for someone, to love someone more than anything. I love you, i still do, and i always you. If my words get to you, just help me get through this life alright 🙂 Really need your help. Life was a lot easier when you were in it. Now, doesn’t even feel like life. I feel dead inside. Wherever you are, just wait for me alright, i will fulfill all your dreams, and my parents too, and then i’ll come to you 😉 & we will be back in this world again together, because our story cannot end like this. Our story cannot end like this. Your love has been holding me straight up all this time after you are gone, just be with me. I know you are my angel now, who i cannot see but is always around me guiding me, ... Read more

So today was the first day, and what can I say? I’m scared. Most of the students are way much older than me, and some of them seem to be like… you know ‘creídos’. The building is cool, but I’m afraid of the exams, the projects, and the homeworks. But hey, it is said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

I just hope that tomorrow everything will be better, that I’ll be able to talk to my classmates, and maybe get some friends, and that the new subjects will be great.

Please, Grandpa, help me. I beg you… And please, don’t leave me alone.

Love you and miss you