"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

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Hugs all the way from down here!

I’ve always wanted to write a letter to you both but I guess I didn’t really have enough time and strength to write one. It’s ironic how whenever I cry or breakdown, you both are the ones I call. I guess you know me well now. Especially that I just simply know that you watch over us up there. You know how I don’t open up to others. How I build up walls inside me that I don’t think anyone can simply break. That’s why whenever I’m at my lowest, at my weakest and even at my darkest, I call upon your names. It’s sometimes weird when I suddenly realize how I find comfort when calling your names instead of telling others how I feel. Weird right? But even though it may seem weird at some point, I just know for some unknown reason that you both listen to me. What I feel is stronger than what I see and that’s the case whenever I call you both. Something happened again today and I called your names again for the nth time and now I feel like I have muster up ... Read more

I never met you. You were born years before me, and died within the hour. Or so, that’s what I’m told. I wasn’t there. There were three of you. Mom miscarried the first, then she had you, and then there was Andrew who also couldn’t survive. Now, my mom has three children. Or rather, her second set of three. Except this time, we all survived. The doctors helped my mom, and she was able to carry all of us to term. I, like you, am the middle of three. I’m so grateful that I got to know my two living brothers. You didn’t ever meet Andrew, or your first brother, and they never got to meet you. It’s weird thinking about what the world would be like if the three of you survived, if my mom hadn’t miscarried. You would be introduced as the middle child, not me. Would you also like Harry Potter and Star Wars? Would you dream about dragons, and imagine them flying through the night sky? Would you have played the bass as well, and rocked out in jazz band and the pit orchestra? Would you have loved puns? Would you hike mountains and paddle in the bay? ... Read more

Hi I feel kinda guilty writing this letter everyone else is using this to write to their loved ones but I’m writing to you. I have a few questions. I recently watch a documentary about a band you and your boyfriend started but it started off with talking about the start of your career. They said that this guy read your star chart and said you were going to be famous and he said that you knew you were going to me famous and rich. Do ever look down and ‘they’ve got it all wrong.’ Cause people always put words in my mouth and it’s annoying. It just feels like no one understands or wants me to exist maybe I don’t even want to exist. You moved to New York to pursue your career at an early age and to make money you had to be a nude model for photography. What was that like? Did it ever feel wrong or depressing? Did you ever feel like grew up to fast? Sometimes I feel that way and it makes me regret. I wish I valued the time I didn’t give a damn and all I cared about was watching spy ... Read more

Yazmayalı sana uzun zaman oldu.Geçenlerde bana 10 yaşımdayken yazdığın mektubu buldum.Kimse beni senin sevdiğin gibi sevmedi demişsin.Bazen yaşadıklarının ne kadar zor olduğunu düşününce şimdi huzura kavuştuğuna gerçekten inanabiliyorum.Ben seni çok özlüyorum ve son nefesime kadar da özlemeye devam edeceğim ama şimdi en azından annen ve babanla birlikte olacaksın.Evlat olmanın ne kadar güzel bir his olduğunu hiçbir zaman tam olarak tadamadın ama şimdi bunu tadabilirsin. Bana 20 yıl boyunca en iyi babalığı yaptın.Senin yanında huzuru buldum ben. Her ne olursa olsun arkamı yaslanabileceğim bir babam olduğunu bilmek benim için her şeye değerdi.

Seni çok seviyorum.Seni çok özlüyorum ve bazen bana anlattıklarından bildiğim kadarıyla eski yaşadıklarını düşündükçe yüreğim sızlıyor.Keşke burada olsaydın.Sana babanın veremediği sevgiyi bana bin kat fazlasıyla verdiğin için sana ne kadar minnet duyduğumu söyleyebilirdim.

Beni unutma baba ne olursun.Ben seni son nefesime kadar unutmayacağım

I don’t remember you at all. I never got to spend any time with you. I thought it wasn’t possible missing someone you haven’t even met, but I miss you every day. It’s been 16 years and it never got easy. Not for me, not for mama. She misses you every minute of every day. She writes so many poems about you. Every time I hear a story about you from anybody who knew you, I stop don’t whatever I was doing just to listen. If someone were to tell me a story about you while I was writing an exam, I’d leave it just to listen to the story. It makes me feel closer to you. I really really really wish you were here. I know you’re still with me, watching me, but it’s just not the same, you know? So many nights I cry myself to sleep missing you, this is one of them. I love you so so much and miss you every day dad. I really wish you’re proud of me. I’m not going to stop trying.

hi,

It’s been 18 years huh since you left us? We’re all doing okay, occasionally, we do talk about you. Its our way of coping when we miss you. I would like to visit you soon, but I can’t go to your grave without my parents. I’m almost done with school and finding jobs! I do hope I get the job I want, I’m sure if you’re still here with us, you’ll pray for me too hehe. The pandemic is easing, we can go visit houses without retrictions. Masks are only mandatory indoors now. Time really heals things huh? but i think its okay to miss things or people sometimes, like how i miss you and grandma. Sometimes I wished we had more time to get to know each other, but its okay! I’m sure you’ll be proud of me. Rest easy okay? We love you a lot.

it’s been almost 3 years since you left me, I still think about you everyday. I always told myself that I wouldn’t be able to live once you were gone, but i guess i was wrong. I wish I could’ve told you about all of the things that have happened since you left and even before you left. That guy I was dating for two years and introduced to you, he raped me, I wish I could’ve talked to you about it, my parents still don’t believe me. I know that you would’ve listened. I graduated high school 2 years ago. You were the one person I wanted to see me get my diploma and you obviously weren’t there. I keep picturing the day that I got the call, to come to the hospital and say goodbye. I tried to tell you that I was there, I don’t think you heard me. I like to believe that you did. I’m still not sure what I want to do with my life, Im not sure if i’ll ever figure it out either. That’s all for now I guess. Keep watching over for me, I hope you’re dancing up there Nana. ... Read more

Mãe foste embora muito cedo, me deixas-te sozinha. Este Mês fizes-te Anos e eu desejo-te tudo de Bom lá no céu com os anjinhos. Tenho saudades tuas e queria tanto estar contigo neste momento especial como antigamente, mas sei que não é possivel. Estou a fazer o crisma e a tirar a carta de condução, por isso deseja-me sorte e força. Es e sempre seras o meu anjinho no meu caminho. Faço muitas perguntas a mim mesma sobre porque é que te foste embora. Mas sei que nunca vou obter resposta. So te queria desejar um Feliz Aniversario ai em cima com os anjinhos e dizer que te amo muito muito muito e que desde que te foste embora que nunca mais tive carinho e amor familiar, do qual sinto muita falta. Amor, Felicidade, Carinho, Alegria e Familia palavras antigas das quais tu fizeste parte. Tenho saudades tuas eternamente, continua a olhar por mim dai de cima e me guia no meu caminho.

Mom, you went away too soon, leaving me alone. This month was your birthday and I wish you all the best in heaven with the little angels. I miss you and I wanted so much to be with you ... Read more

I still love you.