"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

It’s been a year and a little more since you had broken my heart and fixed it piece by piece.When I heard the news in the car, I did nothing but think. I’ve only met you once in my life, but that moment had truly affected me and changed the way how I saw the world. The shape is almost completed, except for one tiny, clear speck of pure pain and regret. I have realized, that that day, was very… indescribable, full of agony that couldn’t be unfilled , and grieving. I have understood that you have been suffering through mental disabilities, and I truly hope that you have a better time up in heaven, where you will be watching and guiding me to handle tough situations and obstacles. I want to sincerely thank you for being part of me life. I love you, great grandmother, no matter what.

Growing up with you was so magical and long-lasting. Being able to say we knew each other since second grade is so special but it is even more meaningful now. I knew you had a heart condition but I didn’t know it was something deadly, or atleast I didn’t want to think that it was. In fact, I don’t even think you knew it was. Being able to imagine us being princesses and dancing and singing in the rain in the street like nobody was watching was magical. You loved to copy me and do the things I did, and I hated it back then, I didn’t understand like I did now. It hurt when the pastor read a summary of you and as I looked around it almost looked like it would be mine since the similarities we had. I will never forgot how radiant you looked a month before you passed when we were at the movies. You finally had gotten your braces off and you smiled just because you loved the feeling of it. And to go from that to seeing you at the funeral was hard, seeing you ... Read more

Do you ever feel like you’re not enough? Like there is a huge space you’re expected to fill up, but you only occupy a small corner? Like no matter how hard you try, you always fall short? I don’t know what to do. I’m trying. I swear I am. I want to do everything the best I can. I want to be who everyone expects me to be. But in trying to be her, I think I might break me. I’m not talking anything drastic like killing myself. But I just don’t think I can keep up with expectations. How can I be one of the smartest students in school when I constantly struggle with things like math. I’m in all of the honors classes, but I sometimes just get so lost, and the pressure and work load have me so stressed. But even more stressful? Asking to move down. “You can do it! You’re smart!” Maybe I’m smart, but I genuinely don’t understand, and I want you to help me without me feeling like a failure. I hate the feeling that I’ve failed everyone if I don’t know or get something because I’m generally intelligent. I’m also supposed to ... Read more

You always made me feel like I was nothing. You would put me down and tell me that no one cared. You would first make me feel loved, and special. You would always try to do the best, and then the abuse started. After all of the terrible things happened you gave up. Although I wouldn’t be me without you, I can’t ever say I wouldn’t change some things that you have done. I miss when we were a kid and we wouldn’t have a care in the world. I remember how after the abuse started you would use a blade on your wrists to write yourself letters of pain and regret because you knew they would never go away. I remember how you were drawn to drugs so fast. Even though I can’t say that I would do it all over again I can say that I wouldn’t be me without you so thank you and I’m glad the part of me that was so depressed and confused and scared is gone but I will never be the person I was before and I have come to accept that. I will miss you but I am ready ... Read more

I remember the way you would hold me in your arms when I was scared. How you would sing to me when I couldn’t sleep and pray with me whenever I needed it. I remember the way you would come into our room to wake us up for school and tickle us so we had no excuse to not get up. I miss the way you would calm me down and tell me it was going to be alright when my parents were fighting. I miss you so much right now while so much is going on in my life. I try to love the way you did and I try to make the best decisions. When I fail, I am really hard on myself and put myself down because I could do better, but I understand now that we all make mistakes and that it’s okay to make mistakes if you learn from them. It has been five years now from October 14,2011 when you took your last breath. It still feels like it was yesterday. I know that I will never fully heal, and you will always have a special place in my heart. With you ... Read more

It’s been years since I first met you. You were radiant, something I never thought I could be. But you saw something in me, something nobody, not even myself, was able to see. You invited me into your wonderful, fun, and exiting life, and I think I found myself in you. Now, you’re not dead, but I still think I need to write this letter to you. You are my best friend in the entire world. I can’t imagine a life without you. But now, I might have to. Sometimes I feel that we are the closest we’ve ever been. I almost feel as if we are the same person, and without my other half, I would be only a shell. But other times, I feel like you are distancing yourself; closing yourself off to me. You’re creating a distance I’m not always sure I can cross. I love you, more than you could ever imagine, and I think I might die if I lose you. But now you are about to make a choice that will distance us much further than anything I think I feel when you have one of your “moods”. But can I be such an ... Read more

Live in the moment. Also, there will be bad times but also great times. So as you cry or brush offf the people who are trying to help you. Think about the good moments. The good laughs and good tears you had with people. Let me tell you that the things you are getting upset over won’t matter in a while. Talk to new people. Smile at strangers. Hug your mom. Play outside. Set down your phone. Hug a tree. Enjoy your time though. Do anything that makes you happy because it will pay off. Take pictures too. Looking back at them makes you feel those feelings and emotions. Don’t delete the bad, learn from them. But don’t waste your time from them. Love yourself too, that is very important.

You make me feel Brave.

I wish that everyone would stop trying to be Badass or cool or Popular. I wish that people weren’t fake and pretence didn’t control relationships that aren’t relationships but merely stauts facts for the 10 minute claim to popularity everyone is grabbing at. It is tiring and the effort is pointless. I hate that if you do not exist online or on social media you cease to exist at all. I hate that people can drop you that easily- for the next best thing to move them up the ladder of poularity. I wonder which generation was the first to have alcohol, drugs and sex control their teenage years. The point when the first people to drink and hook up and loose virginity and go to ‘cool’ parties where all these things happened where the most popular ones. They are badass and cool and people who aren’t kind of fade into the background music just like that. I wonder when people started to spend their teenage years trying to live up to these standards. I wonder then the pressure and exhaustion got the better of them and they started to turn to suicide.

It hit me like a shock the other day wahen the words you have said to me came flooding back. I have almost forgotton them even though I knew they were always there. I am sorry that I have fallen so low and have not cared. I didn’t know it was happening until I saw it there in black and white on paper. I realised I have broken a promise to you and that in itself would break my heart. If it had not been for you I wouldn’t be where I am anyway- you gave me the chance and I haven’t done much to show that I am grateful. I have been lazy and been sidetracked with things that are unimportant. How much I wish for things. But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Maybe I should try harder, forget things and learn to focus on what should matter. In those moments where nothing matters I loose controll and my life seems to spiral out of control… I need to grab it back and I realise that. I hate I sometimes don’t have the contol to do that. When I loose things or ... Read more