"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

You always made me feel like I was nothing. You would put me down and tell me that no one cared. You would first make me feel loved, and special. You would always try to do the best, and then the abuse started. After all of the terrible things happened you gave up. Although I wouldn’t be me without you, I can’t ever say I wouldn’t change some things that you have done. I miss when we were a kid and we wouldn’t have a care in the world. I remember how after the abuse started you would use a blade on your wrists to write yourself letters of pain and regret because you knew they would never go away. I remember how you were drawn to drugs so fast. Even though I can’t say that I would do it all over again I can say that I wouldn’t be me without you so thank you and I’m glad the part of me that was so depressed and confused and scared is gone but I will never be the person I was before and I have come to accept that. I will miss you but I am ready ... Read more

I remember the way you would hold me in your arms when I was scared. How you would sing to me when I couldn’t sleep and pray with me whenever I needed it. I remember the way you would come into our room to wake us up for school and tickle us so we had no excuse to not get up. I miss the way you would calm me down and tell me it was going to be alright when my parents were fighting. I miss you so much right now while so much is going on in my life. I try to love the way you did and I try to make the best decisions. When I fail, I am really hard on myself and put myself down because I could do better, but I understand now that we all make mistakes and that it’s okay to make mistakes if you learn from them. It has been five years now from October 14,2011 when you took your last breath. It still feels like it was yesterday. I know that I will never fully heal, and you will always have a special place in my heart. With you ... Read more

It’s been years since I first met you. You were radiant, something I never thought I could be. But you saw something in me, something nobody, not even myself, was able to see. You invited me into your wonderful, fun, and exiting life, and I think I found myself in you. Now, you’re not dead, but I still think I need to write this letter to you. You are my best friend in the entire world. I can’t imagine a life without you. But now, I might have to. Sometimes I feel that we are the closest we’ve ever been. I almost feel as if we are the same person, and without my other half, I would be only a shell. But other times, I feel like you are distancing yourself; closing yourself off to me. You’re creating a distance I’m not always sure I can cross. I love you, more than you could ever imagine, and I think I might die if I lose you. But now you are about to make a choice that will distance us much further than anything I think I feel when you have one of your “moods”. But can I be such an ... Read more

Live in the moment. Also, there will be bad times but also great times. So as you cry or brush offf the people who are trying to help you. Think about the good moments. The good laughs and good tears you had with people. Let me tell you that the things you are getting upset over won’t matter in a while. Talk to new people. Smile at strangers. Hug your mom. Play outside. Set down your phone. Hug a tree. Enjoy your time though. Do anything that makes you happy because it will pay off. Take pictures too. Looking back at them makes you feel those feelings and emotions. Don’t delete the bad, learn from them. But don’t waste your time from them. Love yourself too, that is very important.

You make me feel Brave.

I wish that everyone would stop trying to be Badass or cool or Popular. I wish that people weren’t fake and pretence didn’t control relationships that aren’t relationships but merely stauts facts for the 10 minute claim to popularity everyone is grabbing at. It is tiring and the effort is pointless. I hate that if you do not exist online or on social media you cease to exist at all. I hate that people can drop you that easily- for the next best thing to move them up the ladder of poularity. I wonder which generation was the first to have alcohol, drugs and sex control their teenage years. The point when the first people to drink and hook up and loose virginity and go to ‘cool’ parties where all these things happened where the most popular ones. They are badass and cool and people who aren’t kind of fade into the background music just like that. I wonder when people started to spend their teenage years trying to live up to these standards. I wonder then the pressure and exhaustion got the better of them and they started to turn to suicide.

It hit me like a shock the other day wahen the words you have said to me came flooding back. I have almost forgotton them even though I knew they were always there. I am sorry that I have fallen so low and have not cared. I didn’t know it was happening until I saw it there in black and white on paper. I realised I have broken a promise to you and that in itself would break my heart. If it had not been for you I wouldn’t be where I am anyway- you gave me the chance and I haven’t done much to show that I am grateful. I have been lazy and been sidetracked with things that are unimportant. How much I wish for things. But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Maybe I should try harder, forget things and learn to focus on what should matter. In those moments where nothing matters I loose controll and my life seems to spiral out of control… I need to grab it back and I realise that. I hate I sometimes don’t have the contol to do that. When I loose things or ... Read more

I would like to say that thing I want to say have been said in the previous letter- the one posted on the 13th of november adressed to Myself. If the person who wrote that is reading this now I want you to know how much it meant to me to know that I wasn’t crazy when I felt like that. So thank you. Sometimes I feel that I am loosing bits of myslef and they are floating away. So slowly that I don’t seem to notice until they are on the horizon and almost out of sight. I have moments where I remeber myself and wonder what has hapopened and whether I can ever get a hold of those pieces again. It scares me to think that I might have lost them forever.

I lost you, you’re gone. I thought I knew, but it was not. I lost you, you lost me. More I can not say because I lost you. You knew what I had to write, but I am lost so I do not know. Perhaps people think that I’m weird and crazy but that’s because I’ve lost you. Let’s just hope that I’ll be back soon find …

I know it isn’t fair to write this on here because you aren’t dead, but it sure feels that way sometimes. I could never tell you how much I resent you for being gone for so many years. Coming back now, to a 16 year old, when you left at 9, that hurts more than anything you did to me when I was younger. It sucks because now that you’re back and pretending to be okay, I don’t know what to do. This letter is for the dad that I thought you were.