"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Hey, it’s your favorite granddaughter. I wanted you to know that that dream of going to butler tech came true. I finally made it to a point in my life where I realize that I understand everything even tho it has almost been 8 years since you passed it’s just becoming harder and harder to keep going every day. I understood it when I was 8 it’s just getting harder, we used to do everything together you literally lived next to us. we would: go to your house every day, I would come over and watch cartoons with you, we would go outside a lot, we had yard sales every weekend, eat dinner together a lot, and I would run up and down the ramp of your truck. It feels like just yesterday we were outside on my 8th birthday playing with hula hoops. I still remember every time a train comes by depending on what way it is I missed my “school bus.” I think one of the hardest things is I never got to say goodbye. You were getting healthy again then they put you in a nursing home too early. I ended up finding out what ... Read more

10/25/2022 Dear Grandma, I’m just going to start by saying that this year has been quite the ride. I still cannot believe that it was almost a year ago that we all were watching the coffin being lowered into the ground on that gray December afternoon. It felt weird not having you here for Christmas and New Years\’ day. I still remember what the sky looked like the day you went to Heaven. I don’t know how everyone else feels about it since that was the last time we were all together. Now, we are about a month away from Thanksgiving and it will be the first time celebrating it without you. I still have the shoes that I wore to the service and I still remember grasping the cold metal handle of the casket and walking down the aisle and out to the hurse. That might have been one of the hardest things I did as a teenager. I remember saying very few words during the service and even for the rest of the day because… there were none. As I sit here in at my desk typing up this letter, it is close to that almost a year later, I ... Read more

Como saber?

A ideia de ser a certeza de alguém, me apavora. Eu não sou nem minha própria certeza.

Acabei de reparar que agora o Deck voltou a ser a nossa chácara, o nosso cantinho com Nescau tarde da noite, como se tudo fosse uma operação secreta. Quem diria que tudo acabaria num curto-circuito, e dessa vez sem pipas alegres no poste. Nem rostos pálidos sabendo da enrascada que tinha surgido. Nem você aqui para dizer que vai ficar tudo bem.

Eu estou apavorada. Não quero perder algo tão bom, alguém que faz eu me sentir como ninguém no mundo. Tenho medo de que ninguém me olhe com aqueles olhinhos e diga o quanto gosta de mim. Tenho medo que nem o corpo mais quentinho consiga me aquecer nas noites frias. Tenho medo que nenhum abraço seja como o dele e eu nunca mais seja consolada. Tenho medo que um outro aceite a minha pirraça no primeiro momento e tudo se acabe sem tentar.

Tenho medo de tentar e não conseguir. E não ser a pessoa certa. E ser tarde demais.

Ele me lembra você. E dói tanto deixar isso para trás. Porque o bom é bom, mas o ruim ... Read more

We’re 2 months and 6 days from the anniversary of the crash. I think about this time last year when we were all in class and you were still here. I still haven’t gotten over that you never got your license, graduated or any other experience. I think about your family and how they don’t get to celebrate holidays with you or even your birthday. I am still afraid of deer and windy roads at night because they make me think of the fear you must have had. I hope that you can see your friends and family and know that they are doing alright and that we all still think of you. I hope that wherever you are that you have found happiness as well.

Hello

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Hugs all the way from down here!

I’ve always wanted to write a letter to you both but I guess I didn’t really have enough time and strength to write one. It’s ironic how whenever I cry or breakdown, you both are the ones I call. I guess you know me well now. Especially that I just simply know that you watch over us up there. You know how I don’t open up to others. How I build up walls inside me that I don’t think anyone can simply break. That’s why whenever I’m at my lowest, at my weakest and even at my darkest, I call upon your names. It’s sometimes weird when I suddenly realize how I find comfort when calling your names instead of telling others how I feel. Weird right? But even though it may seem weird at some point, I just know for some unknown reason that you both listen to me. What I feel is stronger than what I see and that’s the case whenever I call you both. Something happened again today and I called your names again for the nth time and now I feel like I have muster up ... Read more

I never met you. You were born years before me, and died within the hour. Or so, that’s what I’m told. I wasn’t there. There were three of you. Mom miscarried the first, then she had you, and then there was Andrew who also couldn’t survive. Now, my mom has three children. Or rather, her second set of three. Except this time, we all survived. The doctors helped my mom, and she was able to carry all of us to term. I, like you, am the middle of three. I’m so grateful that I got to know my two living brothers. You didn’t ever meet Andrew, or your first brother, and they never got to meet you. It’s weird thinking about what the world would be like if the three of you survived, if my mom hadn’t miscarried. You would be introduced as the middle child, not me. Would you also like Harry Potter and Star Wars? Would you dream about dragons, and imagine them flying through the night sky? Would you have played the bass as well, and rocked out in jazz band and the pit orchestra? Would you have loved puns? Would you hike mountains and paddle in the bay? ... Read more

Hi I feel kinda guilty writing this letter everyone else is using this to write to their loved ones but I’m writing to you. I have a few questions. I recently watch a documentary about a band you and your boyfriend started but it started off with talking about the start of your career. They said that this guy read your star chart and said you were going to be famous and he said that you knew you were going to me famous and rich. Do ever look down and ‘they’ve got it all wrong.’ Cause people always put words in my mouth and it’s annoying. It just feels like no one understands or wants me to exist maybe I don’t even want to exist. You moved to New York to pursue your career at an early age and to make money you had to be a nude model for photography. What was that like? Did it ever feel wrong or depressing? Did you ever feel like grew up to fast? Sometimes I feel that way and it makes me regret. I wish I valued the time I didn’t give a damn and all I cared about was watching spy ... Read more

Yazmayalı sana uzun zaman oldu.Geçenlerde bana 10 yaşımdayken yazdığın mektubu buldum.Kimse beni senin sevdiğin gibi sevmedi demişsin.Bazen yaşadıklarının ne kadar zor olduğunu düşününce şimdi huzura kavuştuğuna gerçekten inanabiliyorum.Ben seni çok özlüyorum ve son nefesime kadar da özlemeye devam edeceğim ama şimdi en azından annen ve babanla birlikte olacaksın.Evlat olmanın ne kadar güzel bir his olduğunu hiçbir zaman tam olarak tadamadın ama şimdi bunu tadabilirsin. Bana 20 yıl boyunca en iyi babalığı yaptın.Senin yanında huzuru buldum ben. Her ne olursa olsun arkamı yaslanabileceğim bir babam olduğunu bilmek benim için her şeye değerdi.

Seni çok seviyorum.Seni çok özlüyorum ve bazen bana anlattıklarından bildiğim kadarıyla eski yaşadıklarını düşündükçe yüreğim sızlıyor.Keşke burada olsaydın.Sana babanın veremediği sevgiyi bana bin kat fazlasıyla verdiğin için sana ne kadar minnet duyduğumu söyleyebilirdim.

Beni unutma baba ne olursun.Ben seni son nefesime kadar unutmayacağım

I don’t remember you at all. I never got to spend any time with you. I thought it wasn’t possible missing someone you haven’t even met, but I miss you every day. It’s been 16 years and it never got easy. Not for me, not for mama. She misses you every minute of every day. She writes so many poems about you. Every time I hear a story about you from anybody who knew you, I stop don’t whatever I was doing just to listen. If someone were to tell me a story about you while I was writing an exam, I’d leave it just to listen to the story. It makes me feel closer to you. I really really really wish you were here. I know you’re still with me, watching me, but it’s just not the same, you know? So many nights I cry myself to sleep missing you, this is one of them. I love you so so much and miss you every day dad. I really wish you’re proud of me. I’m not going to stop trying.