"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

It’s been almost 3 years since you left this world but it’s still feels like it was yesterday. Everytime someone mentions you my eyes get full of pain.

I still remember the exact moment when I got the new, I was sleeping and my best friend stayed with me, then at 3:00 am my mom entered my room and woke me up. She just told me we had to make a trip, at first I got really excited because that meant seeing you and all the family, but just a second later I realized my mom was crying so I got really really scared because I didn’t understand, then she just said “it’s your grandpa” and then I knew…it was the most terrifying moment of my life.

My best friend tried to calm me, she helped put my clothes in the suitcase because I just sat in my bed thinking I needed black clothes.

The way to the airport and the trip itself all of us were very silent. As soon as we arrived to your house I started crying because I knew for sure that not ever again you will come out and received us with open arms.

I miss you, and I ... Read more

It’s been a long time since you left this world. It crushed me to find out one of my oldest friends had gone away, forever. We talked about anything and everything, and I miss having someone to do that with. Even when we just stared at walls, it was everything just to be in your company. I left after you died, and I’ve only now just came back. I still have many questions for you, which I hope I will get answers for, one day. I will never forget you.

Creio que hoje se estivesse aki não estaria fazendo essa carta a você mais sim a outra pessoa importante não minha vida des de que se foi tudo mudou tanto eu cresci muito desde então, na minha marmita sua imagem é falha mais ainda sim me recordo em fotos e histórias contadas a mim pois quando se foi eu era muito pequena para me importar o tanto que me importo hoje a falta que você faz não só a mim mais a todos a sua volta é tão grande mais com sua morte veio coisas inimagináveis como minha tia conhecer o marido no seu enterro ou minha madrinha finalmente ter uma filha ou eu finalmente ter percebido que a vida é curta de mais para eu querer desperdiça-lá com esse livro aprendi que a vida é muito mais do que sofrer por pouco ou que existem pessoas com dores e magoas piores que a minha é existem pessoas que as dores talvez não cheguem perto da minha comessei a escrever nas notas do meu celular sobre minha grande confusão não vida ou da vida acho que talvez tenha um futuro e comesse a escrever mais ainda estou nova e tenho ... Read more

Creio que hoje se estivesse aki não estaria fazendo essa carta a você mais sim a outra pessoa importante não minha vida des de que se foi tudo mudou tanto eu cresci muito desde então, na minha marmita sua imagem é falha mais ainda sim me recordo em fotos e histórias contadas a mim pois quando se foi eu era muito pequena para me importar o tanto que me importo hoje a falta que você faz não só a mim mais a todos a sua volta é tão grande mais com sua morte veio coisas inimagináveis como minha tia conhecer o marido no seu enterro ou minha madrinha finalmente ter uma filha ou eu finalmente ter percebido que a vida é curta de mais para eu querer desperdiça-lá com esse livro aprendi que a vida é muito mais do que sofrer por pouco ou que existem pessoas com dores e magoas piores que a minha é existem pessoas que as dores talvez não cheguem perto da minha comessei a escrever nas notas do meu celular sobre minha grande confusão não vida ou da vida acho que talvez tenha um futuro e comesse a escrever mais ainda estou nova e tenho ... Read more

Desde que você se foi, no começo de 2015, as coisas foram ficando mais difíceis. Eu sempre ria e sorria de verdade, em todos os momentos, os bons e os ruins. Agora eu não sorrio mais. Não de verdade. Não estando realmente feliz. Esse sentimento me deixou há quase 2 anos e agora eu finalmente consigo ver o impacto disso na minha vida. Não estou apenas cansada mental e fisicamente, eu não tenho mais vontade de viver, um objetivo de vida, sabe? É difícil de explicar e cada vez mais complexo o sentimento. Tanto que as vezes eu mesma nem consigo entender. Eu simplesmente não consigo mais me sentir motivada na escola, eu me esforço ainda, mas os resultados não vêm mais. Minhas notas começaram a ser baixas e eu passei a ser outra pessoa que não eu. Alguém que fizesse os outros felizes como eu não sou. Mas isso é muito forçado. É muito peso para conseguir levar normalmente. As pessoas agora me perguntam se está tudo bem. Eu deveria me sentir bem com isso, feliz por alguém perguntar. O que acontece é que, mesmo perguntando, sei que não se importam realmente com a resposta. Se sim, ótimo. Se ... Read more

It’s been 245 days since you left. I miss you so much. I know that you’re happy and well wherever you are right now. I always wish that what happen to our family is just a nightmare, that anytime I can wake up and still see you. Do you remember the book that my husband gave to me when I asked for a Christmas gift? When I tried to read it last year I wasn’t able to finish it because I didn’t find it interesting. The letters for the dead people that most of them I really don’t know where a little boring but I kept the book. When you died, I tried to read it again. I am amazed and thrilled about the book. it moved me. Now, I have the thinking of Laurel that you are just out there wandering. You will always be in my heart and forever will be.

Happy 27th birthday, first love. Today is your birthday, another year you’re gone from our sights but another year, you’re in our hearts. I keep trying to write about you so many times here but ended up deleting all those words at the end. I couldn’t find enough courage to do so, but here I am today, trying to rewrite all those words again on your birthday. There’s only one thing I wanna say to you, I miss you. Really miss you. It’s been five years now, but I still couldn’t forgive myself for all those mistakes I did towards yourself in the past. People around myself keep saying that I shouldn’t blame myself and I should forgive myself in order for me to moving on. But how can I forgive myself when I’m the one who have done wrong here? I try, love. But I just couldn’t. I’m sorry. I know you don’t even want me to act this way either. I just need more time but I couldn’t promise yourself when I can get over it. I don’t appreciate the times God has been given to me when you’re still alive. Since we broke up, you ... Read more

But now you’re buried beneath the ground. Well not you, your body. Its really lonely here without you Grandpa. I hope where you are all the pain is gone.

The last time I saw you I was too young to even walk. The only memories I have of you are from pictures taken long ago. In one you sit on the couch smiling next to my dad, you both have guitars in your lap and you look so happy. Looking at you there with my dad who was so young its so hard to believe that you’d want to kill yourself. But you did and now I’ll never have the chance to see you and my dad will forever have to suffer the loss of his dad. He misses yo like crazy you know. Sometimes he will sit in his room and play that song, the one he wrote about lost time, and cry. Its hard to understand why you’d want to leave all that behind but at the same time its not so hard. My dad says you got caught up in things you shouldn’t have and to escape the pain you turned to alcohol and drugs. You would sit in solitary and take all your anger out on your guitar for hours and when you came out you’d stare at the TV and try to block out ... Read more

Hey SamMonster, You may not know this but I’m your big sister. I remember being told I would be a big sister again and I was SO excited. I remember coming home and seeing your name band on the counter. Being 8 years old I didn’t know what happened. I also didn’t understand what happened. I ran to dad and said “Susan (Your mom) had the baby!” When dad said “No she didn’t. Put it back.” I didn’t understand you were gone. Well, I am 14 now and I understand. I hope you are having fun with Great Grandpa and Great Grandma. They are the best! I love you and miss you SamMonster. You will forever be in my heart.