"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Hi. After I read the book, I thought about you, how you killed yourself at the age of 26. I will be 26 in four years. It seems so surreal, you were newlywed and expecting a child, my cousin, who never got to know you because you died before her birth. I cannot remember you myself but I remember my mother crying at night and I remember the sadness which was crushing her. You were her favorite brother. I guess she was really mad at the world and at her parents and at your wife for not taking more care of you. Because you had depressions and struggled with them all your life. When you died everyone in the family told us, the children, that you had an accident while you were hiking in the mountains, I know they did this to protect us or whatever, but I had nightmares of falling from a cliff and dying all my childhood and I’m still terrified of heights. Nobody really talks about you anymore, I don’t know if they ever really did, especially not about your death. As if you just disappeared and never existed. The only photograph which is ... Read more

You were the first time I experienced love at first sight. I learned you had a boyfriend just moments after first speaking to you, which was just another reason you may not ever love me considering we are of the same gender and I still lived in a closet. I’m not sure I why I was instantly attracted to you, but it became infatuation. I was fascinated by you like I could never learn too much or became bored of you. I slowly friend zoned myself just in my efforts to get close to you. I realized not only did I hate your boyfriend because I wanted you and he had you, but also because he mistreated you and I couldn’t help but be confused and engulfed in anger at the fact that he had something I could only wish for and he didn’t even care enough to appreciate it. Slowly we became closer and I became your secret. Behind closed doors, it was as if I was your world. You knew it was wrong to be cheating on him, but you constantly tried to justify it because I was “just a girl.” I remember when you broke up, ... Read more

I have never really acknowledged this, but as I read “Love Letters to the Dead”, I realize that there are a lot of things that I’ve never known about you. When I was a child, you were (and still are) my favorite ninang, because you weren’t the kind to just disappear after my baptism. I remember so little of my childhood, but I remember you, in a white dress, smiling at me. I remember the little paper stars that you gave me. There was a whole, small box of them, all in different colors. I had a hard time giving some of them up to give to my sister, but you insisted. I lost them–I wish I hadn’t. They were supposed to be proof that once upon a time, you did live and you did make a little girl happy. But I also remember seeing you at the hospital, not truly knowing what was happening. I remember going down the stairs all the time to see the fishes near the staircase, swimming freely around the clear little pond. I don’t remember seeing you on the hospital bed, but I think that’s better. If I remember you ... Read more

I was young when you decided to leave us but I still remember the things we did together. Every time I walked through your front door I could feel the comfort your house holded. I remember the Tang smoothies and the pond we would spent countless hours by. I also remember how fun it would be when the Fourth of July was, your parties were a hit and everyone wanted to come. You were always the life of the party, you always had an amazing outfit on and your smile made everyone love you. I am so glad you were part of my childhood and you will always have a part in me. Every time I see a dragonfly zip passed me I always think you. Even though I was little when you let go doesn’t I didn’t love you the same, I still love you so much Aunt Kath and I miss your warm touch. I love you to pieces. I hope you are happy and are well but I’m sorry I won’t see you in a long time because I’m happy to say I’m happy with the life I’m living.

I’m sorry that we couldn’t protect you. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. I just think of the pain you felt when they killed you and I’m so sorry. I was supposed to protect you the way that you protected me and I couldn’t. I wasn’t here. I’m sorry. I miss you so much, but I can’t show it around my mom because she blames herself. You suffered for who knows how long and we didn’t stop it. We couldn’t protect you and I’m sorry. Sometimes I see Bean and for a moment I think it’s you and I forget what happened and then I have to remind myself that you’re gone and that there’s nothing I can do to ever get you back. I will never forget you or stop loving you. Never stop smiling for me.

…It was never going to work out, between you and mom and that’s okay. I just wish I could be in your life more than just once every 2-3 months. I know you rather not care to see me, your too busy working or hanging out with your friends but I miss going to the park and drinking fresh lemonade, going to the fair every summer around my birthday. That all stopped after my 10th birthday. I’m 15 now, waiting, hoping to see you more. Your a drunken mess, and I hate you so much. I’m not waiting anymore, I give up on being your precious little girl.

hi 🙂 I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I see you everywhere. Everywhere where i am. Really. And i am scared for that. Sorry. Sorry for everything, because i did not want anything what was happened for you. And sorry, but this is english website and you can not english, but it’s amazing? Maybe you can english, now. Maybe you learned it. Up there. Upward is lovely, is not it? I hope so. Heaven is beautiful. You are beautiful. And beautiful things are held together. I love you my lovely and wonderful grandma. I love you to the moon and back..and I want to write a book and give it to you, so you can enjoy. Perhaps this letter will get and translate it there. Miluju tě, BABIČKO♥

You were know for you being honest. I really look up to you. I try to be honest with everyone. No white lies. No big lies. Everyone should live by this.

I know you are out there, somewhere, watching me. I want you to know that I look at the sky daily and I search for the brightest star and when I see it, I say hey. Because for me, that star is you. I have learned to live with that hole in my chest. I fill it with hope & stars everyday. But I am strong and you are strength. It’s been three years since I discovered that I can actually write well. I know you are in a better place now, and I know you pray for me & our family. And I hope that I will become a published writer, I hope I will be able to write as amazingly as you and I would ask God if you can read my book. You are in my heart & I miss you but more than that, I love you. Forever! <3 x

Dear Jessica, i never got to ever meet you, you seem like an absolute sweetheart when he talks about you. I’m sorry you aren’t here to experience what the rest of your life would have been like. To grow old and sit on the porch drinking coffee yelling at kids who ride their bike on your lawn. To love and be loved. you were and ALWAYS will be. i don’t really know what else to say but Jr. talks about how he held your lifeless body after the car hit. I’m so sorry baby girl. It’s not right that you were taken so early. you had so much to experience in your long life ahead of you. I’m not good at these things but I’m trying princess. i’ll talk to you soon. I love you..