"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I wish I could have told you how much you truly meant to me. You were kind, talented, funny, the most caring person I’ve ever met. I wish I had talked to you more before you passed and told you I loved you every single day.

You wrote moving poetry. Deep, raw, sad and emotionally charged poetry. I made a promise to myself, that I would illustrate all your poems, publish them under your name and all the profit would go to organizations that help prevent suicide. It’s a promise I plan on keeping.

You also made me promise if you ever died I would go to your funeral. I couln’t keep that one and I am so sorry. But one day I’ll visit you wherever you are, take that metaphorically or literally.

You were the first person to teach me what true love is. And in my heart that love keeps you alive. You didn’t end up like the picture in a snowglobe (that’s my favorite poem of yours).

Forever in my heart

I wrote this down in a journal not too long ago, but I decided I would post this letter to you. Why not? Anyway, here goes.

You loved Pink Floyd. I only met you a few times, but I can still see your smile. I can still picture the way you were so thirsty for our clean, cold tap water (Dad said it wasn’t like that in Florida). I still remember Dad telling me about your underage drinking and drugs after Mom and Alex went to bed.

I was sitting at the kitchen table in our old house when he set a newspaper down in front of me. The headline went something like this: “17-YEAR-OLD DRUNK DRIVING INCIDENT; KILLS ONE PERSON”. Dad pleaded with me not to tell Mom that he told me about it when I was so young (I may have been seven, but I have a distorted concept of time haha). I agreed I wouldn’t tell.

We never talked about you much, but you fascinate me. When you died a few years ago, I was at the beach with Mom, Dad, and Alex. It was before sunset, but still pretty late nonetheless. I was on the swing set of the ... Read more

Tenho sonhado com vc, nos meus sonhos vc está vivo, conversando, assistindo jogos, no subconsciente eu sei que vc morreu, lembro do velório e de tudo, mas no momento em que te vejo penso que deve ter sido só um sonho e então eu acordo, desejando que realmente fosse um sonho. Sinto sua falta todos os dias, é triste demais saber que nunca mais vou te ver, ouvir vc insistir pra eu te chamar de pai, assistir uns filmes bem chatos, como sinto falta de tudo isso. Desculpa se não aproveitei direito todos os 23 anos que tivemos juntos e se algumas vezes te tratei mal ou se não fui boa filha. Quero te dizer que o Ronne me pediu em casamento no meu aniversário ano passado e vamos casar ano que vem, queria que estivesse aqui pra entrar comigo. Chamei o Arthur pra fazer seu papel, mas toda vez que penso nesse dia quero chorar, pq sei que vc não estará lá. Espero um dia te encontrar em um lugar melhor.

So my dad listens to some of your songs but I never really payed attention until recently. I listened to the lyrics and actually felt a sense of comfort. I went home that day and put on heart shaped box and just let it play while your other songs continued to play after it. I was just laying there taking in the emotion in the songs. After finding your music I started to find myself. I used to only listen to rap and act a lot different but now I know that’s not me. I don’t listen to rap anymore and i definitely have changed. So I wanna say thank you for helping me find myself and thank you for your music.

Dear grandma, I miss you everyday and it’s been hard to stay fine theses years but I know that you are with grandpa even when I didn’t had the chance of seeing him i know that whatever place both of you are i couldnt forget my love even once. Theses days i had felt so much empty in my heart and it’s not your fault im just terrified of being loved or trust someone bcs i feel sick when i see someone being capable to love me when i dont, more than anyone else you know how our family are and can make anyone happy feel incapable of everything and it’s getting worse too much fight for nothing these life pass so fast. I’m lost,mom.

I miss you a lot. I think about you often. You’ve been gone for about six years now, and while it’s certainly easier to deal with the grief of losing you now than when you died, I get struck by these waves of missing you. I think about you sometimes when I fix my hair, and how you would hate that I cut it short because you always liked braiding it. I remember when you were going through chemo and you started crying because you were so sorry that you couldn’t do that for me anymore. I think about you when I talk with dad, when I realize I’m going to know more about him and his life than I’ll ever know about you because you’re not here to tell stories about your life anymore, that it seems like you’re only here as other people’s stories. I guess that’s all you can be now, huh? I think about you when I do the things I think I know you enjoyed doing, but it feels so long since I’ve seen you. Will I ever really get to know you? I’m an adult now and it hurts knowing you won’t know ... Read more

I miss you every single day. Sometimes I start to think there I can’t live without you. Everyday of my life I think about you and about all the things that we never did together, you was my sun, my reason to live, my anchor, but today I don’t know how to survive. I hope that one day I gonna hug you again and you are gonna whispher that everything is gonna be alright. I will always love you, please, don’t forget that.

Times have been kind of tough with grandma Toni. Her Parkinson’s is getting worse at a quicker rate than we thought it would. So me, Sam and my mom try to go over there as much as we possibly can to try and calm her down and give her people to talk too. Because we all know you were right about Scott, he hasn´t done anything to help any of else get through this or try and keep it under control. When all of his friends are around he wants to make everyone think he is this concerned loving husband, when he is not at all. Also Allie being in Florida is tough for grandma just because she doesn´t know what one of her kids is doing at all times like she does with my mom and William. So the extra stress of having her gone is what we think is also contributing to the fact that her disease is getting worse. I am not trying to write this to get you upset I am just trying to give you a little update on everyones lives. Grandma has finally stopped ¨seeing¨ people because we changed her medicine ... Read more

I would like to tell you that no matter what happens I will always be your little princess. I miss you so much already, I know it’s been 15 years already but I don’t want to forgive myself for being a not so nice grand daughter to you. I have been so bad to you, I even talk back to you. But even though I did that I know deep inside me that I love you so much. The time that you’re not doing well at the hospital mom told me that you looked for me, your favorite grand daughter. I know you can’t read this though, but I just want to vent this all out. I love you Lolo.

I miss you so much. 10 years.