"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

On that Christmas morning many years ago, I had no idea what was going on. I remember Mama saying that you had been feeling bad lately and she really wanted you to go to a doctor. I remember putting all of my new toys into a trash sack so I could play with them on the way to the hospital. In the parking lot of the hospital, I remember Mama saying that you looked pale, and I asked her what it meant, and that was how I learned the meaning of the word. I remember seeing all the Christmas decorations inside, and how it made me feel sad, thinking about how some people have to spend their Christmas in a hospital. I remember that I broke one of my dolls, messed up her dress, or something to that extent, and I became upset. The next few months after that, I had no idea that you had cancer, I just knew that you were really sick. I don’t think I found out until I was 10 or 11, and I didn’t know that you had pancreatic cancer until a couple of years later. I just recently found out that ... Read more

Winter is always the hardest time of year for me. I miss you around the holidays, then your birthday happens in late January, followed by the anniversary of your death in early February. This year will mark 22 years since you’ve been gone.

I finished reading a book this morning called Love Letters to the Dead. There were so many moments in this book that were synchronous with my own experience of losing you that I thought you must have had some influence over my finding it. I wish it had existed in 1994. Do you remember that Aladdin was the last movie we saw together?

It has taken me a long time to learn that resenting your lost future, our shared future, is not the way to honor you or myself. I have such vivid memories of you, and even though half of them challenge my insistence on your perfection, I am grateful that you were real to me. And I carry you with me always.

I’ve written about you many times, but it feels appropriate to share a recent poem here: http://firstdraftfromtheheart.blogspot.com/2013/06/primacy-v-recency.html.

I love you, Sissy Jenny

La verdad que me gusta mucho tu musica. Hace poco que te conosco (dos semanas) Si no fuera por el libro “Love letters to the dead” nunca hubiera buscado el album In Utero (que se convirtio en mi favorito) y hubiera escuchado tu musica. Para Navidad me regalaron 2 remeras de Nirvana que adoro (ahora llevo una). Amo una frase tulla que es “Se rien de mi por que soy diferente, yo me rio de ellos por que son todos iguales” hace varios meses, habia leido esa frase en una historia fanficion de un youtuber en Wattpad y la puse en mi habitacion. Yo creo que si vieras a tu hija, Frances (si no mal recuerdo su nombre era ese) estarias super orgulloso de ella. Sinceramente no tengo mucho mas que decir, el otro dia me di cuenta que cumples años el mismo dia que mi hermana… Sea donde sea que te encuentres, en otra vida, en un objeto, en una planta, en el cielobo donde sea, quiero que sepas que te quiero (aun que es 99% imposible que leas esto). Quien sabe? Por ahi aunque sea una chica yo soy vos, es decir vos reencatnaste en mi. Tienes un ... Read more

La verdad que me gusta mucho tu musica. Hace pocl que te conosco (dos semana) Si no fuera por el libro “Love letters to the dead” nunca hubiera buscado el album In Utero (que se convirtio en mi favorito) y hubiera escuchado tu musica. Para Navidad me regalaron 2 remeras de Nirvana que adoro (ahora llevo una). Amo una frase tulla que es “Se rien de mi por que soy diferente, yo me rio de ellos por que son todos iguales” hace varios meses, habia leido esa frase en una historia fanficion de un youtuber en Wattpad y la puse en mi habitacion. Yo creo que si vieras a tu hija, Frances (si no mal recuerdo su nombre era ese) estarias super orgulloso de ella. Sinceramente no tengo mucho mas que decir, el otro dia me di cuenta que cumples años el mismo dia que mi hermana… Sea donde sea que te encuentres, en otra vida, en un objeto, en una planta, en el cielobo donde sea, quiero que sepas que te quiero (aun que es 99% imposible que leas esto). Quien sabe? Por ahi aunque sea una chica yo soy vos, es decir vos reencatnaste en mi. Tienes un ... Read more

You have left me in a world of war and death, yet you have shown me that there is light in every shadow. Mum and dad miss you dearly, you were like their son. Simon is still dating Baz, they’ve come out now!! Yay! I’m writing to you so that you may know that we still miss you greatly. You were my best friend, my brother, and my partner in crime. I’m still stirring up trouble, but it’s hard without you there. I hope that you’re doing okay.

I wish I could have gotten a chance to know you.Is it weird to miss someone who you never really gotten a chance to know? Because I do.You passed away right when you born.You never got a chance to learn how to ride a bike.You never got a chance to fall in love.You never got a chance to experience how beautiful life can be.I just wish you could have stayed but you couldn’t it was your time to go to heaven.God had a plan for you and I guess it was for you to go at that time . I used to be angry at you for leaving but it wasn’t your choice its not your fault and its not Gods fault either.You would have loved Christian your younger brother so much.You will always be in our hearts.I will always miss you.I will never forget you.I love you.

I remember when I was little and you were there sitting on the couch with you arms wide open leaning down to me. Then I would run up to you as fast as I could and give you a great big hug. I remember seeing you in the hospital bed and you just were there laying with your eyes closed. They all said that you could here us so I said to you, “Hi, grandpa I hope you feel better.” In a very soft shy voice. That night my aunt drove me home and my parents stayed till when you left us. You left your family and my dad misses you and I do too. I wrote a song for you. i bet you heard me write it too. But we all keep going and we get through it but you are always in our hearts.

It’s been years since you’ve been gone. I built a new world without you and now it’s crumbling down. I’m constantly losing to find myself. And just like written in this book, past haunts me even when I’m awake. Some things just don’t go away. They linger until you break down with fragments of memories. I truly regret the times I have taken you both for granted, for not being good enough, and for forgetting that you were growing old too as much as I do. I’d trade a day just to be with you again. Even if God will deduct that day in my own span of life, I won’t mind. I just wish you’re still here so my father won’t have to deal with pain alone. He needs you more than anyone else. And maybe it’s true that we, the living, don’t forget you, we just learn to live without you. Things would’ve been different if you’re still here, I guess. I just hope you’re fine wherever you are. I love you and will always do.

I’m amazed that it’s been almost a year since you’ve been gone. I know I don’t need to write a letter or visit your grave or anything like that to talk to you. I know I can simply talk to you from where I’m sitting right now but I read this book and it make me think of you. We don’t see your daughter anymore because your girlfriend has a new boyfriend. But she’s really beautiful and you would be so happy sitting in the hospital room when she was born. We gave Dad a picture of you for Christmas. He misses you. I miss you. Your mom died 2 days before your birthday. I’m sure she’ll be right there when you see this letter. You’re actually probably watching me type it, laughing at every typo I make. Helping me not backspace and rewrite the same things over again. Also, I hope Priscilla is in heaven with you. You were one of the only people who that dog liked, I swear. Anyways, I miss you more than anything in the world and I love you. I love you I love you I love you. For everything you’ve missed, Happy Thanksgiving, ... Read more

Hi Sis how is everything going on up there? I know we never even met before but I miss you. You maybe know about this but sometimes I pray to God so that I can meet you even if it just in a dream, even if just for a few seconds. I want to hear your voice, I want to know what your face looks like (I’m sure it would be so beautiful).

I keep wondering, would my life be completely different if you were here? If you didn’t passed away right when you were in Mom’s belly? But I know that God has His own plans. I trust Him. But sometimes, I miss you. I don’t know you and that’s why I feel so lost sometimes.

If you’re reading this, always know that all of us will never forget you. You may not always in our mind but you’re always in our heart, deeply and beautifully craved. I miss you but I know you’re always watching over me. You’re my angel.

I love you, always, forever, endlessly.