November 17, 2016

To the Dead,

Do you ever feel like you’re not enough? Like there is a huge space you’re expected to fill up, but you only occupy a small corner? Like no matter how hard you try, you always fall short? I don’t know what to do. I’m trying. I swear I am. I want to do everything the best I can. I want to be who everyone expects me to be. But in trying to be her, I think I might break me. I’m not talking anything drastic like killing myself. But I just don’t think I can keep up with expectations. How can I be one of the smartest students in school when I constantly struggle with things like math. I’m in all of the honors classes, but I sometimes just get so lost, and the pressure and work load have me so stressed. But even more stressful? Asking to move down. “You can do it! You’re smart!” Maybe I’m smart, but I genuinely don’t understand, and I want you to help me without me feeling like a failure. I hate the feeling that I’ve failed everyone if I don’t know or get something because I’m generally intelligent. I’m also supposed to be really good at the sport I play. And last year, I was one of the best. But now, I’m struggling. Really, really struggling. I’ve dropped to one of the worst. I can stand the sympathetic glances. I cant stand the “We’ll get you back up there”. When I’m doing the best I can, and she tells me, “Come on, we can do better”. When I’m trying so hard it hurts, whether it be sports, academics, or looks, and someone says “You’re not even trying”, I can barely stop myself from crying. Sometimes I cant stop myself. It all just feels too much, and I’m hopelessly lost. I don’t know what to do.

Love, the Living
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