"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I miss u so much. You have tought me so much. Thank you for being you.i could never forget you.i am happy i had the chance to have you in my life. You mean the world to me and grandma. Just know we all love and niss you.

I finally told someone a bit of the history between us. Not much, only about how I didn’t mean to fall in love with you and how our relationship was something new to me. I almost cried when I first started confessing. Can you blame me? Sometimes I sit and wonder if you still think of me. I want to reach out to you, but I don’t want you to know it’s me. I’ve resorted to this, posting a letter to you that will never be seen by you. It’s almost poetic, isn’t it? My love for you and, ultimately, my short-lived heartbreak was poetic, too. I don’t know what else to say. Fuck you, maybe?

I realised how many spelling mistakes and horrible errors I made in my last letter, probably because I was crying so much, as usual. So here we go again I guess :

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. It would have eventually been inevitable but not now. It was too soon. I think that you could have been even more beautiful than you were, you are. I’d like to think you’re still here somewhere, but it’s just too dark to find you. It’s always dark now. Like a tunnel with no light. And not a day passes when I don’t think of how much longer your life should have been. 17. I don’t think that’s long enough. Especially for someone as special as you. It’s been 3 years now and I was too young to understand, to naive. And even now I can’t bring myself to admit that you’re gone. Truly and utterly gone. I thought for a while that things could maybe get better. That I could get better. And now everything’s messed up again. My best friends have turned to self-harm and half the time it’s like they think it’s “cool”. I don’t think they are really ... Read more

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. It would have eventually been inevitable but not now. It was too soon. I think that you could have been even more beautiful than yu were, you are. I’d like to think you’re still here somewhere, but it’s just too dark to find you. It’s always dark now. Like a tunnel with no light. And not a day passes when I don’t think of how much longer your life should have been. 17. I don’t think that’s long enough. Especially for someone as special as cancer. It’s been 3 years now and I was too young to understand, to naive. And even now I can’t bring myself to admit that you’re gone. Truly and utterly gone. I thought for a while that things could maybe get better. That I could get better. And now everything’s messed up again. My best friends have turned to self-harm and half the time it’s like they think it’s “cool”. I don’t think they are really my friends anymore, they don’t understand what it’s like to toy with death. How precious every breath is. Because they can be gone. Just like that. But I hope, that wherever ... Read more

Dear Great-Grandma , I never got to meet you, you were gone before i was even 10 months old, but i wish i was born a long time before you left this world i think i would have been blessed to meet you, everybody said you were a nice person. I hope when i die i will finally get to meet you, my name is Marisha Helena Lillew Hollar i am now 14 years old, and my birthday is January 19th,2000

I’m still mad at you for hurting my mommy. I can barely believe that you did, but I did not know you since I was only 1 when you left me. I’m mad at you for leaving me and I’m mad at God for taking you away from me. I wish you didn’t leave. I wish you could watch me grow up, walk me down the aisle, listen to me gossip, let me cry on your shoulder, tell me it’s okay when it’s really not, be there with me forever. I’m a good kid though. I make really good grades and I have a great boyfriend that I think you would have liked a lot. Buba has a baby now and named him after you. He looks just like buba so in turn he looks like you as we’ll. I wonder what you would look like now… I was badly bullied in Elementary and Middle school. I was even sexually harassed at age 6. I wonder what you would have done if you were here and found that out. My step dad got drunk a few months ago and got into a fist fight with mom. He hit me. I can never ... Read more

My beloved dog, friend and brother You are now gone, no longer in this world. You’re not with me anymore. You were my friend, my brother and you were always there. I’m in my room right now, alone, because you are not here with me, like you always were. You would lay on the floor, breathing very loud, maybe bark in your sleep, I would always feel you presence. You would always come and attack me when I came home from school, you would lick my legs and face, bump my hips so I almost fell. You were so strong. But I don’t think you knew just how big and strong you where. I’m smiling with tear streamed eyes I’m glad I can smile at our great memories, it’s hard now, but it will get easier with time I hope. I will always miss you, because you were so special to every single one of us. But now you’re gone. It was the best for you, I know that, but it doesn’t make it any easier to let you go. I will always love you, always remember you with a smile on my face. Thank you for making my years better, and supporting me in the very bad ... Read more

It really worries me that I don’t think you knew how much I loved you, still love you. Since you’ve gone I can’t stop regretting so much. Never has the saying “you never know what you’ve got until it has gone” been so true. I miss you more than I can bear, and nearly four years on it still hurts just as much. Why did you have to leave then? Why did you have to leave me, a week before my birthday? Why, why, why? That’s all I can think of. There was so much about you that I didn’t know, that I am finding out now. I should have known these things, should have known so much more about you than I did. I miss you, I love you, and I’m sorry.

You’re still around and still with me but I feel like I’ve lost you already.

I fear that one day, I’ll wake up and realize that I have failed to protect you from yourself. I fear that one day, you’ll really go as you hinted you wanted to run away from life.

I don’t want to lose you. You’re one of the reasons I keep going. Sometimes, I, too, want to run away and never look back. But I still have reasons to stay and you’re one of the important people that keeps me grounded.

Please don’t go. Please hold on, even when you feel like letting go. Please live, even when you feel like dying. Because it will get better.

And I am here for you because I love you more than you’ll ever know.

I’m so sorry for being an insecure girl, that’s just me. I just want you to love me. Please don’t go so far away, stay near to me because I need you now. You’re beautiful, stunning, perfect and mine. You’re all I need but I can’t have you.