"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I try. I do. Maybe I am an “edge lord” or whatever you say. Maybe I say these things because I actually like them AND because it MIGHT get me the attention I crave from all of you people who I TRY to fit in with and be kind to and include. But you never include me. I know you aren’t dead. And I don’t necessarily want you to be dead to me. So I’m sorry that I am not fitting the purpose. “Who cares if one more light goes out?” – Linkin Park. I don’t think that you care about mine. One of you actually cares about me but I am trying to tell you that I need you to SHOW ME. Only three or four people even messaged me while I was gone from school for almost three weeks because I was hospitalized for trying to kill myself. And then YOU. I love you, but I hated you in this moment. I sent notes to my boyfriend and closest friend while I was in the hospital. I couldn’t contact anyone else. I get out and text YOU because I haven’t talked to you and I want to. ... Read more

So…how do I say this…I don’t know if your spirit ever truly existed…I mean, the other sac was empty. I think my mom feels sad about what would have been. She was going to name one of us Emma and the other one Hannah. Our younger sister may not have been born or she would have been named Lydia. I don’t know. Maybe I absorbed you in the womb? What would it have been like? Would we both have had OCD? Depression? Celiac disease? Would we have liked the same things? What would we have done? Would Hannah have been lonely? John? I used to play with him. Then, I left him for Hannah, and now I am alone with my thoughts. We could have been each other’s best friend. We would have been fraternal. I would have been jealous of how much better you looked than me. But would we be similar? What do you like? Would you like black and gray or pink and rainbow? Or in the middle, orange and purple? Or none or all? Would you have liked depressing ballads and emo rock? Would you have wanted to share a room? Would you like dogs? Would ... Read more

Under common influence, you are assumed to be a great person. Or at least a good leader. And I will concede that. But what is it like? To have a legacy like that? You are on Mount Rushmore, you have your own memorial, your house, Monticello is admired. And yet the man who wrote of the rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness for all men, who are created equal, owned hundreds of slaves. I know that you advocated for non-violent coercion to work, but, um, it still isn’t right at all! I know that you had unconventional ideas that may have made life slightly better for your slaves, but I honestly can’t get it out of my mind. And you had an affair with a young slave as well. I respect what you did to help the country, and I wish that I could keep up with the facade created by respect for your work. I just don’t know. I know that the opinion of one person doesn’t matter in the course of your legacy, but I wish I could know the thought process behind it and just why.

I know that there is much dispute about whether or not the quote is yours. But did you end up happy? Did you? I really hope that you did. I wish that everyone would get to be happy before they died. I wish that suicide didn’t seem like a good way out to so many people, including, a month ago, me. But did you? I feel like I need to know. I looked it up. You were famous, admired, called a genius. You were part of the most popular band, in common, opinion of the time. But if the quote is true, you didn’t want to be that. You wanted to be happy. But did you ever attain that inexplicable joy? I feel like I am out of my mind asking you this and feeling so strongly about this. But I think this is a good therapy for me, you know? I wish I could be strong and noticed like you. I wish too many things to be true. And you know what? I think that I want to be happy too. I was thinking about being a forensic pathologist. And I still might be. But who knows? I ... Read more

I see you there,

On the bed,

Next to Grace.

You are teaching her what we can’t help her to understand.

I am grateful.

I miss you every day, and though I love her,

Grace makes it harder sometimes.

She is not you.

I still have a hole in my heart.

I hope you know that I will never replace you.

I just can’t live without someone like you.

You are gone, but not lost to me.

You visit me,

you taught me.

I protected you, but you guarded me.

I love you.

I will see you again. I promise, a promise that I swear I won’t break.

We are sharing some of your things with her. I hope you don’t mind.

We did save some things, like your mitten. You loved your mitten.

Your countless demands I would not mind fulfilling now.

I am sorry that I never picked you up or helped you down the stairs

I should have, but my mind messed me up,

taught me the wrong thing,

to see germs in everything. I have always regretted that.

You know that even though she looks nothing like you,

I feel a kindred spirit in her. Thank you for everything.

I thought I could ... Read more

Yes, I know you are fictional and Laurel’s. But I still want to write a letter for you because you are one of my favorite characters, you are also very flawed and you seem like a real character to me.

Because of how you made Laurel realized a lot of things. Just like me, I have realized I wanted someone to see how broken and lonely I was. I want someone to save me from myself, but no one can. Only I could save me from me. You made me realized that.

Reading books helps me to cope with depression or maybe reading is like my black hole. I pretend to be the protagonist of the stories that I have read. Books brings me to worlds that I want to exists, it’s so much better to be fictional than live in reality.

You may not be like Augustus Waters (from TFIOS) or even Etienne St.Clair (from Anna and the French Kiss) but you are so much more, I promised.

You exists in my mind and heart, Sky.

I know you are disappointed.

I was never a good daughter to mom and dad, especially to mom. I am selfish, a good-for-nothing grand child, and a complete brat who always gets what she wants. I think I failed my practical research subject, I’m not really sure since I haven’t seen my grades. But I know, I failed. All because of my damn selfish pride, not cooperating to my group mates, and I fucking romanticized depression. I hate myself and I hope I will rot in hell for all the stupid things that I have done. I deserved this, I deserved the loneliness that I feel right now, no one to call, no one to talk about all my problems.

Also the reason why I’m here writing a letter to you, to say that I’m sorry. I am such a disappointment to the family, and please tell God that I am sorry too. For all the sins and just for existing. I am sorry that I exist, I know I don’t deserve everything that I have in my life right now.

I do not deserve forgiveness, my mom, my dad, and even my brother. I want to stop ruining all ... Read more

Oi. Se passaram um pouco mais de dois meses e você continua a vir na minha mente todos os dias desde então. A dor de sempre está sendo substituída pela saudade, pelas lembranças e pelo desejo de ter você aqui. Acredito que isso não irá passar, então, estou tentando manter tudo organizado para que não me esqueça de quem você foi. Contei de nós e de você para a T., assim ela também ira saber do meu amor por você, espero que não se importe, menino maroto. Aliás, a T. foi uma das minhas companhias para a melhor viagem da minha vida. Eu me senti viva como poucas vezes antes. Cantei alto, ri sem parar, bebi muita água, vi minha banda favorita e conheci uma pessoa muito importante para mim, que me considera importante também. Tive meus momentos de quebra também, mas isso é só detalhe. Teve um discurso muito bonito e pensei em você, ainda mais que o normal, você deve imaginar sobre o que era. Não entendo como isso aconteceu, mas saiba que estou trabalhando para que isso não aconteça em outras familias, pois é devastador e vai sempre existir uma interrogação (?) nesse acontecido. Ah, deixa eu falar que ... Read more

Hii!! It’s a new year. Grandpa, I’m going to college this year! With my desired course. If you were here, you would be so proud of me. I passed my examinations. Hard work does pays off, grandpa. I’m so excited to tell you that You have a great grandson now! Are you happy? I’m sure you are. I’m excited to see this child grow! But I am really anxious to start college. But I know you would tell me it will be okay if you were still here. Sometimes, during dinner, my family would talk about you and grandma. We all miss you, a lot. 3 of your grandchildren are getting a new home for themselves. Time goes by fast huh? I feel like it’s only yesterday that I was 5 years old. Okay, that’s all for now. I love you and grandma. Hope you are doing well up there!

Hii!! It’s a new year. Grandpa, I’m going to college this year! With my desired course. If you were here, you would be so proud of me. I passed my examinations. Hard work does pays off, grandpa. I’m so excited to tell you that You have a great grandson now! Are you happy? I’m sure you are. I’m excited to see this child grow! But I am really anxious to start college. But I know you would tell me it will be okay if you were still here. Sometimes, during dinner, my family would talk about you and grandma. We all miss you, a lot. 3 of your grandchildren are getting a new home for themselves. Time goes by fast huh? I feel like it’s only yesterday that I was 5 years old. Okay, that’s all for now. I love you and grandma. Hope you are doing well up there!