"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

It’s been almost a year now, S. You’re gone and nothing can fill the gap you left. Still, I fall asleep crying and I wake up crying. Somedays it’s ok and it doesn’t hurt that much. But somedays, I just want to curl up in my bed and cry until the tears’re no more to run. I want to listen to the songs we shared, those years ago when we met and lived together for some months. I never felt your lips touch mine. Yet I miss your taste. I never told you what I really felt. Yet I repeat it in my head over and over. Your curly blonde hair. Your pale blue eyes. Your smile. This freaky look you always got, the mischief in your voice when we were about to do something really fun. I miss all of it. I miss you. A lot. You know, I love you. With every piece of my heart. I wish I had told you this. I don’t think it would habe done any difference, but you would have known it, after all. You were walking in front of a train and it hit you and you’re mind was gone forever though they kept your body alive a few days. They said it was suicide. At ... Read more

I would say that I miss you, but you taught me not to lie to people. If I am being honesty I don’t think I will ever miss you. Yes you gave me some very valuable lessons, most of which I will pass on. But not all. I won’t pass on how you disciplined me, I won’t pass on how you hid me from the world. Like I was embarrassing. Most importantly i won’t pass on ow you made me feel. I never felt strong, or beautiful. I never felt skinny, or like my skin was my own. You told me I was fat and stupid. Ugly and weak. I never feel like the people who tell me I am beautiful are telling the truth. I won’t miss the way I would flinch or tense up when you moved. I won’t miss never having roots because my world was ALWAYS around you. You are still my world. I do love you but you will never be forgiven… at least not right now. You made me feel hated because you hated yourself.

Ever since the first day I layed eyes on you I felt like I have seen the man of my dreams, so attractive and smart. I know i am just a young teenager and you are way older but I felt something, something i´ve never felt before. I can´t express my feelings to you so because it would not be a smart thing to do, you are a man and adult and I am In love With You. I literally think about you every second of the day and even just the thought of you and just hearing your name gives me chills , I´d like to think that before our time together is over as something i cannot say because we can get in trouble for multiple reasons. I like to imagine that one day we will be together and have children of our own even tho you already have two which bothers me be cause it means you have been with other women and that is okay because you are a man an adult which you can make your own decisions and I want to be one of them. Just to say one more time that I ... Read more

Ever since the first day I layed eyes on you I felt like I have seen the man of my dreams, so attractive and smart. I know i am just a young teenager and you are way older but I felt something, something i´ve never felt before. I can´t express my feelings to you so because it would not be a smart thing to do, you are a man and adult and I am In love With You. I literally think about you every second of the day and even just the thought of you and just hearing your name gives me chills , I´d like to think that before our time together is over as something i cannot say because we can get in trouble for multiple reasons. I like to imagine that one day we will be together and have children of our own even tho you already have two which bothers me be cause it means you have been with other women and that is okay because you are a man an adult which you can make your own decisions and I want to be one of them. Just to say one more time that I ... Read more

I miss you I wish you could come back life has been hard without you and I miss you I miss your smile I miss your hugs what I want to say is I am always gona love you and rea member eaven now that your dead

Life is hard. You’re gonna mess up, make some mistakes, and you’re gonna be shamed for them. But most of all, it’s gonna feel horrible. I know this letter won’t reach you, ’cause you’re a ghost from the past, and I long to embrace you once more. Discrimination was your enemy, and you gave in when you shouldn’t have. The darkness that grew in you had swallowed you whole. I know ’cause I watched it happen.

I hope that at some point, this letter goes back in time for you. Or maybe that other you in an alternate universe. You need to save yourself before it’s too late, before you ended up like this girl who isn’t you anymore, this one who’s writing this letter. This girl is lost, and has forgotten how to tell the difference between what’s real and what she made up. She is healing; people are helping her. Still, I want you to try harder than I did.

Stop holding it in. There’s a darkness growing in you and you have to release it. I chose to hold it in and now I can’t let it go. But you still can, and if you fail, don’t give ... Read more

I hate you.

I hate you. And I’m so fucking glad we broke up you jerk.

It’s been a week since we broke up.

I threw the bell you gave me down the sewer. I ripped the red pouch you gave me and I spent all the money. I threw away Vanilla and all the drawings you made me. I snipped the bracelet and choker into pieces. I threw away the blue rubber ducky you gave me. I deleted all our pictures and messages. I’m rewatching Narcos as if I didn’t start it with you. I’m doing the same with The Office. I deleted the letter I wrote you when we barely had 4 months together. I hate February now. I don’t wear the clothes I have of yours anymore. I hate League and most video games. I hate red shoes and puffy coats. I hate hearing your voice. I hate having to sit next to you in Computer Structures and Language Arts. I hate how you act normal. I hate how our break up hasn’t effected you at all. I hate that I called you and cried to you. I hate you

and I hate the letter V.

Over the years we would go to school, but then we would come home and see each other. We had homework, but when we were done we would watch TV with mom. I would see you almost everyday. I thought of you as my best friend because of the experiences we went through. Since we are three years apart there is a time when you start hanging out with friends more than your sister. You finally hit that point this year. Your in your second year of college and you have a boyfriend. He changed your view on life and honestly in my opinion it’s not for the best. Though you won’t listen to me because you’re too in love with him. I know tend to be mean to him, but it’s only because I don’t know how to act around him. He acts so immature and you’ve always said that you didn’t want someone who was immature. Maybe it’s something that I don’t understand because I haven’t had my first love, but does someone actually change that much in the matter of four months of dating. I hope that one day you can see that you’re not ... Read more