"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

It’s been a week since we broke up.

I threw the bell you gave me down the sewer. I ripped the red pouch you gave me and I spent all the money. I threw away Vanilla and all the drawings you made me. I snipped the bracelet and choker into pieces. I threw away the blue rubber ducky you gave me. I deleted all our pictures and messages. I’m rewatching Narcos as if I didn’t start it with you. I’m doing the same with The Office. I deleted the letter I wrote you when we barely had 4 months together. I hate February now. I don’t wear the clothes I have of yours anymore. I hate League and most video games. I hate red shoes and puffy coats. I hate hearing your voice. I hate having to sit next to you in Computer Structures and Language Arts. I hate how you act normal. I hate how our break up hasn’t effected you at all. I hate that I called you and cried to you. I hate you

and I hate the letter V.

Over the years we would go to school, but then we would come home and see each other. We had homework, but when we were done we would watch TV with mom. I would see you almost everyday. I thought of you as my best friend because of the experiences we went through. Since we are three years apart there is a time when you start hanging out with friends more than your sister. You finally hit that point this year. Your in your second year of college and you have a boyfriend. He changed your view on life and honestly in my opinion it’s not for the best. Though you won’t listen to me because you’re too in love with him. I know tend to be mean to him, but it’s only because I don’t know how to act around him. He acts so immature and you’ve always said that you didn’t want someone who was immature. Maybe it’s something that I don’t understand because I haven’t had my first love, but does someone actually change that much in the matter of four months of dating. I hope that one day you can see that you’re not ... Read more

It has been two years…almost three. You left me when I was a sophomore. I am now a senior in high school, and oh man would you be proud. You passed away and left me from this world that you called home. I remember your final moments. The last words you spoke to me…the last words to anyone ever. The last time you opened your eyes and looked at me…the last time you ever opened your eyes. The last time you smiled before you took that fall. I never imagined losing you until it happened. I remember when I would pick you up the floor so many times. You saying the words, “I’m Sorry,” over and over again. I never understood why until you were gone. I spent years thinking about those two cursed words. I always understood the apology, yet I never understood, why you said it. You went across the world multiple times to adopt. You gave your children a life we would never have. You saved two of us from death by adopting us. You raised and took care of us. Yet, you still apologized. It was the others who would deny you mocking ... Read more

Ok So seemingly your not dead yet neither am I. I just wanted to write this letter because there will be a day I die probably years from now but I’m leaving my family with this. Love you all even including my sister who I claim not to like ….. This is only part of my many letters because I plan on living and being alive every day I get

Solo quiero decirte que te amo. Que siempre te he amado y que nunca dejaré de amarte. Estoy bien, se que tu también lo estas. Es marzo, la tristeza vuelve. Me encantaría que pudieras ver todo lo que he crecido como persona, y que me acompañaras en estos momentos de mi vida. Por ahora me conformo con recordarte lo mucho que te amo y extraño.

Oi. Ontem completou um mês desde que você fez o que fez e eu sonhei contigo. Talvez seja esta a maneira que minha mente encontrou para lidar com a sua ausência. Seu contato continua gravado no meu celular, sua conversa foi arquivada, pois me nego a perder a sua voz. Nosso aniversário irá chegar em alguns meses e seu recado não chegará e isso dói tanto. Ouvi que ainda dói, porque te amamos muito, e concordo, mas não torna mais fácil. A mãe disse que em outras vidas você foi o filho dela, talvez a gente seja os gêmeos, talvez não, mas agora entendo a sensação de que perdi um irmão, nossa ligação ia muito além. Não sei aonde você está, mas espero que em um lugar melhor com seu coração de ouro. A faculdade começou e minha cabeça anda ocupada, mas você ainda estará nos meus pensamentos e no meu coração.

This is not a love letter, it’s a farewell letter. You left my life of my own free will when I was still just an innocent baby who did not know things. When that happened I was too young to be hurt. But now that I’ve grown up, now that I’ve grown up without you, it hurts. It hurts. I miss you more than anything, I miss what we could have become, I miss when I thought you were good. But now, all I’ve been doing is hating you and trying to block you from my mind. You will never read it, but deep down I do not really want you to read it, because you do not even deserve my words. I’ve always been here for you, for us. But you’ve never been here for me. I feel so angry for it. But you will no longer have that power over me. My incredible philosophy teacher said that no matter what pain they caused you, what matters is what you do with that pain. I’ve decided I will not let your pain hurt anymore. See you, Dad. Have a nice life.

You may think why did I wrote a letter for myself, if I’m not yet dead. I’m still alive, still kicking and having fun with my friends. The thing is that I know I’m still alive but I feel like I’m already dead, like I’m a walking dead. It was hard for me to keep everything all by myself and I guess I am nothing compared to Laurel. She was a good girl, but Laurel and I have this same issue and that is we both losing our selves . I lose myself. And I keep losing it. I’m afraid that maybe one day, I could not even say a word for myself or for others. Maybe one day, I can’t hear their voices and I was just in the coffin, so yeah, before I die, just before it, I wanted to say how thankful I am, to have all of you, sometimes I am so fragile, but all of never gets tired of fixing me and taking good care of me. I never said thank you to all of you guys, I know I didn’t, and please always be brave and strong enough to win every long battle. Always ... Read more

I love your music. You were amazing. I have never heard a voice so beautiful in my life. Your voice is so unique, I have never heard a voice like yours. I miss you, and wish you were still alive and well today.

I love you. Your song Heroes inspired me. I miss you. Many miss you. I hope you have finally received peace.