"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Well it’s been a year since you died…I don’t really know what I feel anymore. I used to be so sad that I couldn’t stand it, then I was mad, then I was confused, and now feelings come and go. Sometimes I feel sad again and it’s like I just heard the news again and other times I question everything. I know that I can’t think about the “what ifs” but that’s what you left us with. What if it was an accident, what if I had talked to you more, what if we had never moved schools? No one will ever know though. We were left with questions that we never should have had to ask and an empty bedroom in the house. I have learned to focus more on remembering the good things instead of just the sadnessYou sent me your name. Now you have to answer all the questions. The times we spent at the cabin on the lake and the inside jokes that, now, only I understand. I miss you so much and wish I had told you that I loved you more often. The last time ... Read more

I miss you.. all the laughs we had together. Everything. I miss your smile. You made this town a better place, and everyone knew you. You made everyones day so much better. I never seen you much, and if i could go back, id come visit more. I love you grandma. Im doing good. I hope you are too. I have a boyfriend now. He’s a great guy, he doesnt live here. I really really like him, and i think you would too. I wish you were here so i could tell you about him. I wish you could meet him. I hope all is well for you. You’ll always be my angel<3 I just wanted to stop in and say hello, and let you know im doing good. I love you.

you passed when i was seven. i remember watching you fight the hard battle called cancer. you were so strong, i don’t know how you stayed that strong. you were my best friend from the moment i was born, to the day you passed. i wonder if you were stil here, would you be proud of the person i am today? i wish you were still here. there’s so much you need to know, from boys to troubles at school, i wish you were stil here so i could tell you. love and miss you <3 fly high

I cried when you passed away, I still cry today. Although I loved you dearly, I couldn’t make you stay. Your golden heart stopped beating on June 22, 2002 . God broke my heart to prove he only takes the best. Whenever I feel hopeless and down I can look around my room and see you there you always protect me and guard me from all harm. Thank you and I miss you.

I’m missing you like crazy again and this isn’t good at all. They made me pray again, mom and our little brother. I hate doing it. I hate praying. I hate religion. And even though I’m still a little religious, I kinda hate God for making it be this way. He could’ve given you a better ending. He could’ve given us all a better ending, but no. We’re left with this grief and suffering. I miss you everyday, but I learn how to ignore the pain of missing you. But at times like this, I feel like I wanna die. I’m relieving every terrible moment of my life. I wanna write about it, but my hands end up shaking and unable to do anything else. My heart begins to have no desire to do anything and I just feel like one big failure. I hate feeling this way you know? I just keep thinking about suicide. But other people tell me that these problems are not worth killing myself for. So does that mean I mean nothing at all? I’m just worthless am I? Then I guess it’ll be alright then? Since no one cares at all? I want ... Read more

You have leave me for the past three days ago. I will never feel regret because I had spend wonderful time with you especially listen to your advice. Ayah Long, I accept the fate and density that you are so sick enough and endure the pain for two months and eventually it redeems your soul. I will try my best to accomplish your last wish. I am very sorry because I was not able to see you. Anyway, I let you go to set forth for afterlife because Allah loves you much than us in this world. I hope you will able to sleep peace and enjoy your new life there. Thank you very much, Ayah Long.

Today was a pretty shitty day. The weather doesn’t help me and my leg.. it’s awful and it hurts so much when I think that I’m feeling better, then I returned to school and what can I say? I hate school… My classmates don’t like me and I don’t like them either. I don’t have any friends at school and I feel lonely. Also, I’m stressed because of the homework that will come over soon, and the exams and applications for college… I’m really really nervous. I think I’m going to explode in any second.

But today, I felt better when I listened to Space Oddity and watched some videose about Labyrinth and you as the Goblin King. You are so missed, Mr. Bowie… you and your music… you have no idea how much. And today I thought about you and your last birthday alive. Gosh, I felt really sad, why do the amazing persons and most talented artists like you must go away?

Thanks for listening to my complainings, David. Lots of love

There is so much to say to you and it seems not enough words. You were always my first call when something went wrong and I need to someone to listen to me. You were my first love. I know I always had a wall between us becoming more than friends but I was always so worried if it didn’t work I’d lose the one person who meant the most to me. You were so kind to everyone you met and always saw the best in them. I remember reading the email about the search ending they had found you and my heart has never hurt so much. I couldn’t believe that we had just talked and now you were gone and I’d never hear your voice again. I was so angry that someone who had just met you could decide to take you away from so many who loved you. I still miss you now and feel you around me at times. I’ll never forget the boy who taught me what it truly means to love another.

I never got to meet you. You died before I was a though, but I always wished that I had met you. I wanted a big brother, ya know? I mean being the oldest is nice but…I want someone to talk to, someone who knows what I’m going through. I think that you would look like me if you would have lived, but the eyes would have been green like dads. Short brown hair and green eyes. Probably very stubborn and funny. Man would I have been good to be you. But no. You where snatched away before you could say your first word….before you could meet me and Emma…mom and dad you met but not us. Sometimes I wish I was the one who would have died a birth. Not you. I hope that you have a great dead-life where ever you are. I hope I could meet you one day.

I keep thinking about our song. I want to hear it again, but I’m too afraid. Just a week ago when we were stuck in our dad’s car, he played that song, and I hated him for it. But now that it’s mentioned, I can’t help but think about it. It’s 2017 now and basically it’s been six years now since you left and for me, living became harder. I keep on thinking about suicide. I keep imagining myself cutting my wrist and watching the blood drip from it. I imagine my neck getting strangled by a rope as I hang on a tree. I can’t help but think about such gruesome thoughts. I feel like something is wrong with me, but I’m too afraid to tell our mom. I realize that I’m making the same mistake you are making and I feel like I don’t have a choice. I can’t get my mind off of you or our song. It seems so obvious… “keep holding on”? Did you know? Did you know that I would be messed up about you death? Did you know you would die? Why? Why? I keep on asking myself these questions and it’s driving ... Read more