"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I never got to meet you. You died before I was a though, but I always wished that I had met you. I wanted a big brother, ya know? I mean being the oldest is nice but…I want someone to talk to, someone who knows what I’m going through. I think that you would look like me if you would have lived, but the eyes would have been green like dads. Short brown hair and green eyes. Probably very stubborn and funny. Man would I have been good to be you. But no. You where snatched away before you could say your first word….before you could meet me and Emma…mom and dad you met but not us. Sometimes I wish I was the one who would have died a birth. Not you. I hope that you have a great dead-life where ever you are. I hope I could meet you one day.

I keep thinking about our song. I want to hear it again, but I’m too afraid. Just a week ago when we were stuck in our dad’s car, he played that song, and I hated him for it. But now that it’s mentioned, I can’t help but think about it. It’s 2017 now and basically it’s been six years now since you left and for me, living became harder. I keep on thinking about suicide. I keep imagining myself cutting my wrist and watching the blood drip from it. I imagine my neck getting strangled by a rope as I hang on a tree. I can’t help but think about such gruesome thoughts. I feel like something is wrong with me, but I’m too afraid to tell our mom. I realize that I’m making the same mistake you are making and I feel like I don’t have a choice. I can’t get my mind off of you or our song. It seems so obvious… “keep holding on”? Did you know? Did you know that I would be messed up about you death? Did you know you would die? Why? Why? I keep on asking myself these questions and it’s driving ... Read more

Hello love. Last night Jonathan and I had dinner with your mom. It was so great to see her, she really did look good. She’s been having a heel of a time, all of us have. She’s taken up knitting and dropped couponning; she said there isn’t point in it since no one is there to eat. We talked about our future plans and school and the marines. After dinner we said our goodbyes and went to your grave. She pulled in right behind us. She got out of the car with a little tiny broom and some wipes and I lost it. She brushed off all of the grass then wiped down your whole headstone. I couldn’t see how she was so strong, cleaning with a smile. I broke down. I miss you so much, I love you. I’ll see you again very soon.

I’m so sorry that I wasn’t closer to you when you were still with us. You may not be here, but your legacy lives on. Every year, we go to the food bank and help people like you would have wanted. I am very grateful for your life and I hope you have had a nice time up there.

its only been 12 days but it feels like a lifetime,I wake up every morning and wish for a morning text or call. I want to tell you everyday how much you mean to me ,how much I loved you and I know ud be telling me too.I miss you so bad and I don’t know how its ever going to be in my life without you. I just feel sad that I wasn’t there when it happened maybe I would have told you to go home and it would be different right now. I shared the best 2 years of my life with you and I know to other people 2 years is not a long time but to me twas a lifetime because I know in my heart it will never be the same without you. I have lost a best friend, a mentor and a man I loved with all my heart. you always turned up everytime I needed a helping hand, you taught me how to be happy. I have a lot of things to say but all I have right now is just memories in my mind and the pictures we took together. The ... Read more

It’s been months and I’ve still forced myself to believe that I’m going to wake up to a text from you, asking me to hang out or telling me about how much you miss me. The truth is, I miss you so much. So much that I feel it in my throat, my stomach, my heart, everywhere. You were such a special, special person in the truest meaning of the word.

I’m not sure how many people will be able to understand this, but you made me feel like an actual person. You were there for me when I was depressed, hell, you cried while I cried because you said you never wanted me to feel so bad. You listened to me, you remembered little, seemingly meaningless antidotes that I told you months ago, and you had one of the biggest, most genuine hearts I’d ever come in contact with.

I never believed in the phrase, “right person, wrong time” until I met you. I had a boyfriend and was depressed and vulnerable, and I wish I had met you at a time when it was easier to be happy. I’ve been trying to forgive myself, and forgive you for ... Read more

Grandpa, I passed my exams. Unfortunately, it’s not the results I want. I wanted higher marks. But it’s okay I tried my best right,grandpa? You know, now that I passed this “check point” in my life. I’m a little scared for my future. I’m scared, what if my future turns not to a bright future but a dull and dark future? But grandpa, I’m a little sad. I don’t know where to go and even more, I’m scared I choose my path wrongly. People always say to choose your path wisely, but I don’t know anymore. It’s always to follow your passion right? I feel sad and depressed but what can I do about it? I’m going with the flow. Hopefully it will work out in the end yeah? Anyways, your 2 grandchildren is married this year you know! Recently, it was your grandson. It was a great event, of course. I smiled a lot that day. Your granddaughter wedding event was also great! I also had fun that day. But It would be so much better if you and grandma were here. However, it’s okay! God loves you so much more than me! You take care up there okay? ... Read more

To be honest I didn’t really know you for a long time. I was just starting to get to know you when 2016 took you from us. When I was younger I could not stand movies that evolved space but over the last year I really took a liking to doctor who and now one of my favorites : Star Wars. In the past year you have become my idol and everything I aspire to be. And just today I got the news that you had passed, and I’m sitting in my bathroom right now crying because I am tired of loosing things I love. When I love someone or something, I love with everything in my heart. I didn’t want you gone, if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever. It’s strange… almost foreign to me, that you look up to someone and then remember that they don’t even know you exist. Thank you for being Princess Leia and being my idol, may the force be with you.

Merry Christmas!!! Huh? I don’t feel as cheery as I was awhile ago… Lol… Anyway… It’s Christmas again and it’s the fifth time ever that you’re not here to celebrate christmas with us. Five years of sucking it up… Can you believe that? There are so many thoughts in my head right now that it would be possible for me to write those all down and make it to a novel. I can’t stop thinking… I worry too much now that it’s christmas. It’s like something might happen again just like before… We had traumatic experiences in christmas… Honestly… I’m not sure if I’m excited or pessimistic about christmas. All we do now is go to reunions and be awkward around people… I really hope we get to meet our niece again, although I’m worried about our brother getting mad. Why does our life have to be so complicated? Even before when you were alive, our life was complicated. It was hard to truly open up to people… I feel really mixed up today… I don’t know if it’s an anxiety attack or just me being dramatic? I hope I’m not dramatic. Why am I talking to you? I shouldn’t ... Read more

I miss you so much. I’ve been having you on my mind all the time. I feel quite lost without you. You loved and still loves me unconditionally. And I’ve been missing that kind of love. I just miss your presence, everything about you. I still wish you were here.

I always feel like I haven’t done enough for you. You know i showed you how much I love you everytime I can.

I’ll always miss and love you so much.