"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

You were my role model, my everything, my inspiration. When you died 7 years ago I couldn’t cope with the pain. I told myself I would be strong for you when I grabbed the razor blade and cut. I miss you everyday. I know it was your time, but I loved you. Every time you would color with me ,and you would color in circles and I would get mad and show you how to really color. I know this isn’t long but I still love you and right now I’m going through a tough time and I just need your help. Please grandpa tell me you love me one more time, hug me one more time, and tell me to never give up my fight. I love you till I die and even throughout then.

I loved everyone of you with every fiber of my being and in the end almost none of you was left. We all drifted apart, made promises none of us could keep and still to this day I miss you and all the things that could´ve been. Sometimes I wonder if it was something wrong with me, or is. But things are getting better and I make new friends whom I know I will have a better friendship with than anyone of you. I still miss you though, probably will for a long time. Goodbye lost frienships, we had a good run which I could only hope would last a bit longer.

I know you feel terrible because of the way you look and your classmates who keep making fun of you. Also your brother isn’t really nice to you at all. Your parents are arguing all the time and you just can’t stand it, I know it’s hard. I know you’ll always remember that day after school when you were sitting on a bench, trying to read a book and watching your happy classmates talking about anything but ignoring you. I know you were listening to music and crying because you have no real friends. I know you’ll always remember the first time you tried to cut. It’s not her fault you tried to do that and then got addicted to hurting yourself whenever you messed up. It’s not your faul that your brother is acting the way he is. It’s not your fault that your father is actually an alcoholic and is able to hurt your mother. It’s not your fault. This broken family is not broken because of you. Do you understand what I’m trying to say? The boy you loved will never hurt himself because of you. You just couldn’t help him and he couldn’t help you too. You both are too broken ... Read more

Sometimes, your life can change in a split second, sometimes minutes, hours, days. Change isn’t confined to a particular time frame. You know all about that. One minute, you were fine. The next, you were pinned to a tree, dying. Not to sound morbid, but that’s how it went down. I feel like my change sneaks up on me. Crawling along until it suddenly grabs onto my legs, pulling my feet from under me. Because change is necessary after all. You can’t hide from it. But it’s not inevitable in the same way as death. We think of death as something that will happen a long time from now, something we can’t control. But for some reason, we think that change is something that can be controlled. The fact of the matter is that change is its own being. It’s random and clumsy, but it does to you what it wants, like some cruel twisted version of fate that the fairy godmother never warned you about. Change isn’t always bad, of course. Change is the cause of the wonderful people you meet by chance. Change is the cause of the unexpected phenomenon of virtually anything. Change let me meet people I ... Read more

This is my second letter for you. It’s been exactly a month since you died. I haven’t moved on from that ever since. I think your cousins are doing okay. One of them celebrated his birthday yesterday, I guess. I haven’t shown anyone our (my cousin and I) poem for you. I’ve been very thankful that even though you deserve a rest, you didn’t stop from being my guardian angel. Our guardian angel. It’s funny the irony of your name.

Anyway, ate Bona’s wedding is next week, I’m hoping that you’ll be there. Because we took your suggestion on what gift we should give them. It was a pretty great idea. I haven’t told anyone about this, well, I told Yzza and Raya, but last month was pretty hard for me. I felt everyone are leaving me. My old friends, my friends from the church, and my family. I tried to think positive, but sometimes, I’ll wish that it should’ve been me who was dead. I’m sorry for thinking about this, but ever since I was little, I’ve been keeping a lot of things to myself. I tried to write, but I couldn’t. It’s not like before. I don’t know if ... Read more

This is my second letter for you. It’s been exactly a month since you died. I haven’t moved on from that ever since. I think your cousins are doing okay. One of them celebrated his birthday yesterday, I guess. I haven’t shown anyone our (my cousin and I) poem for you. I’ve been very thankful that even though you deserve a rest, you didn’t stop from being my guardian angel. Our guardian angel. It’s funny the irony of your name.

Anyway, ate Bona’s wedding is next week, I’m hoping that you’ll be there. Because we took your suggestion on what gift we should give them. It was a pretty great idea. I haven’t told anyone about this, well, I told Yzza and Raya, but last month was pretty hard for me. I felt everyone are leaving me. My old friends, my friends from the church, and my family. I tried to think positive, but sometimes, I’ll wish that it should’ve been me who was dead. I’m sorry for thinking about this, but ever since I was little, I’ve been keeping a lot of things to myself. I tried to write, but I couldn’t. It’s not like before. I don’t know if ... Read more

You’re one of my biggest inspirations, you’re one of the reasons I perform. I understood your life, it was chaotic and it was a storm and in that storm there was no way out. Sometimes we get used to storms, and we keep allowing them to circle around us and swallow us whole even though we don’t deserve it and the only thing that can give us air during this intense time is something that makes us smile. For you that was your children, your work, your fans. Applause are the sound of love, you’re right. If love had a sound it would be many, it would be bells and songs, it would be laughter and applause and silence and leaves falling and so many other things. I get it, and I get you and I think someone needed to tell you that and just look you in the eye and say “You’re beautiful and you’re not a hunchback and I understand you and you need a friend. I can be that friend, I can be someone you can call at some obscene hour and talk to” I would’ve been that friend. Your music and your art all of ... Read more

Dalawang taon na ang nakakalipas pero maalala ko rin yung araw na nalaman ko na namatay ka.

Kasama namin sa Nanay at si Ate G, may nakuhang tawag si nanay at sinabi nila na namatay ka sa Bor acay at dadalhin sa ang bangkay mo sa punenerarya dito. Ang nakakasakit yung punerarya mo, umiyak ng todo si Tita Michelle, Tita Mercy at yung mga anak. Sinubukan kong hindi umiyak ngunit sa huling araw, lumabas lahat ng luha.

Sinasabi ko po sa inyo na kailagan ninyo tumigil sa pagsisigarilyo. Nakita ko po na sa loob, nasasaktan ka pagkatapos na namatay si Papa. Kung sana pinilit kita, baka buhay ka pa po tito.

Tinanong ko kahapon sa tatay ko kung ano yung naramdam niya noong nawala ka at bakit hindi siya umiyak, ” I felt hurt but I never regretted when he was still alive, when I had the chance when we I pick up Mom, I visit him. I contributed my time to him whenever I have” sa mga salita na yun. Ikaw yung rason kung bakit paborito ko yung lumpiang shanghai at nasilbing kuya ninya tatay at mga tita.

Alam ko na hindi matatangal ang sakit na nadarama namin ... Read more

I did a little research and found out your parents came from Syria and went Quebec, Montreal. As you grew older, you became a manager and after getting divorced from two wives found Celine Dion and choose to manage her at the young age of 12. Admittedly, I simply admire Celine when I was even little. It all happened on weekends, we’d go to this grocery store inside a mall. It so happened that a DVD store was in front of it and I caught a glance of a clip playing Celine singing in one of her concerts in Las Vegas. A spark of curiosity ignited inside of me and I asked my parents if they could buy it for me. They did. As soon as I knew it, my interest in her grew more and more as I grew older. Yet not in the bad, crazy way. My favorite song was “Taking Chances”, It just screamed something inside of me. She sang it with such confidence that it scared me. ” I just wanna start again” she sang. And maybe we all do too, Rene. If God would have given me the chance to take back all of the ... Read more

You died five years ago, today. You didn’t know. You didn’t see all the beautiful things that were going to be in your future. You were clouded with thoughts from the past and they blinded you. You were scared, you were young, you were numb. I wish I could have done more and I know Craig yelled and told me it was all my fault you were gone and for the longest time, I believed it. But I know its not true. I feel you still. I feel your comforting presense and I know youre watching out for me, and trust me I need it. I love you. You were my first best friend, you were the first person to listen to me, you were the first person to tell me to stay strong. I wish you could have stayed strong, but its ok. Its ok to break. Its ok. It wasnt your fault. Nothing was your fault. You just wanted freedom, and its ok. I miss you. I miss your laugh and your smile and your songs and your hugs. I miss you so much. Im in Hawaii now, lol right? Who woulda thought little old chrissy would end ... Read more