"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I think you forgot how the world works. How it’s ok to be sad, angry, or even happy. You lost your memories of why you let these emotions roll through you like a tidal wave. Slowly and surely you withered away to ashes and broken dreams. I think you repressed all the things that made you stand out and be the beautiful weirdo I know you to be. The saddest part of it all, is that it happened and were powerless to stop it. You took all the words he said and believed them. You are not worthless. You are not lazy. And you are most definitely not stupid. These are words that come from a cruel man and it’s ok to be broken from it. Your limbs must be tired and achy from carry the weight. I am here to say forgive him. Forgive him and his seething hatred so you can forgive yourself. I forgive you for not believing you can come back from this. The pit in my stomach will lessen knowing you are going to be ok. The anger, sadness, and joy you once felt will return and when it does I will be waiting for you. ... Read more

I’m not sure if you’ll understand this since you’re Japanese, but I’ll just assume that you can understand all languages up there. I remember first discovering you almost a year ago, it was when my favorite member of a boy group posted a picture of you on his Instagram account. He was a fan of yours. You caught my attention because of your pink hair, and at first, I thought you looked weird and awesome. Bit confusing, huh?

I was shocked to know that you were already gone when I searched for you on the internet. You died, 17 years ago. Yet you’re still remembered up to this very day. It hasn’t been long since I became a fan of yours and your band, X Japan, but I just want to say that you and your band have inspired me in so many ways. You inspired me to not care about what people think of my style, as you’ve said: “When people called me a freak, I closed my eyes and laughed, because they were blind to happiness.” You were known to have a weird style. Visual shock, as you called it.

After that, I started to watch ... Read more

I stare at this empty page wondering what to write down just how I used to stare you wondering who you were. A smiling face was all I saw, but I wanted to know the real you and not just someone with a friendly face they put on. Could you tell me what you were like? I would listen. What made you the happiest and what made you hurt? I would listen. Can you share what you was going through your mind as you took each footstep on the gentle grass that curved to your feet? I would listen. What did you enjoy doing or not doing? I would listen. Could you tell me if you truly feel happy or were you just trying to cover it up with a smile and shiny eyes? I would listen. Did you love being here with us or did you secretly want to leave? I would listen. But most of all, did you love yourself like I loved you? If you told me, I would listen. Now, that you’re gone and you can shine that smile from wherever you are, from up above or down below, in meadows, mountains, islands and ... Read more

According to the definition of the word, you aren’t technically dead. To be dead means that you were once alive. Were you? If a poster was once alive, it would be pretty splendid.

Alive is the opposite of dead, but one can be neither dead or alive.

Opposites are more similar than they seem.

Sometimes I ask myself, what does it mean to be alive? Sure, there are people. Then there are dead people. There are plants, then there are crushed plants, ripped from their roots. Flowers pressed into bookmarks between crisp, browned pages until the wilt and disassemble; the petals falling slowly. Are they alive? Were they alive? Did they feel what they should have felt?

Alive applies to those who we don’t think have a conscious, but in a different definition.

Today I walked down the hallways in school. Thanksgiving Break ended yesterday, and the regret of what I could have done had sunk in enough already. Every little moment that could be cherished; gone. Poof. Magic.

It hits me sometimes; the fact that it’s tomorrow. That today is yesterday. That today is here, but yet so far away. To close my eyes and walk through the school’s front doors in the ... Read more

You fucked me over. You’re the only person I could trust. You helped me with my nightmares, my problems and struggles. And i hate that you’re gone. But you made your choice…you said “i have to get my priorities straight.” Clearly i wasn’t important to you, you chose your boyfriend and that’s fine. Just know, not a single day goes by when i don’t think of you. It still hasn’t sunk in properly that you’re gone, and i think typing this right now, makes it seem s real. IDK what the point in this is, i just feel so lost without you. Please come back. I need you. I love you.

You aren’t dead but my relationship with you is. And in all honesty it should have been dead 3 years ago when I first started having a crush on you. I was the only person who trusted you with anything. But all you did was smoke weed and get drunk everyday of your life. I loved you, actually I still do love you. I always will, but you’ve put me through way to much. All you wanted me for was sex and I was stupid enough to almost fall for it, but luckily I found out you kissed Skylar. But I wanna say thanks. Thanks for helping me find out who I really am, and thanks for putting me through so much pain that I realized how little something was. But also thanks for being there for me when I needed somebody to talk to. You were a pretty good friend for the first 2 years. But now you go to a completely different school and no longer live near me. I’m gonna miss you messing with me, but I’ve got to get over you. But if by any chance you ever read this and somehow find a way to ... Read more

You aren’t dead but my relationship with you is. And in all honesty it should have been dead 3 years ago when I first started having a crush on you. I was the only person who trusted you with anything. But all you did was smoke weed and get drunk everyday of your life. I loved you, actually I still do love you. I always will, but you’ve put me through way to much. All you wanted me for was sex and I was stupid enough to almost fall for it, but luckily I found out you kissed Skylar. But I wanna say thanks. Thanks for helping me find out who I really am, and thanks for putting me through so much pain that I realized how little something was. But also thanks for being there for me when I needed somebody to talk to. You were a pretty good friend for the first 2 years. But now you go to a completely different school and no longer live near me. I’m gonna miss you messing with me, but I’ve got to get over you. But if by any chance you ever read this and somehow find a way to ... Read more

I feel like I’ve let the world down. People at school always say I never make mistakes, but truth is I’m only human. Why am I thought to be better than anyone else? I feel that since I’m held to higher expectations by my teachers, parents, or friends, I can’t express myself. People don’t understand that listening to music or reading books is the only way I can be like “I feel like that, too.” In the end I hope I won’t have to go through this anymore and can just live freely.

I’m writing to you because even though you’re not dead in the book, you’re fictional, which is similar to dead just because you don’t really exist in this world but you still live in our minds, and although you didn’t really write those letters, I can’t very well write to Ava Dellaira because she is, as of November 29, 2015, alive. I just want to thank you for what you wrote. I sometimes feel a lot like you, although I don’t have a dead sibling. It’s just that I have a hard time opening up to people and I feel like no one really knows me. A quote from your letters that I feel describes me is, “And as much as I was hiding from him, I guess a part of me also always wanted Sky to see into me-to know the things that I was too scared to tell him,” (pg. 285). This next quote describes how I wish the people I care for and who care for me would be like. “The line at the end that says, ‘Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands’ makes perfect sense to me. It means they can go anywhere ... Read more

When you left me this year I didn’t know what to do or say. All I wanted to do was stay in my room and just cry. I miss you so much, more than you’ll ever know. I still feel your presence sometimes when I’m home alone or even when I’m just eating dinner with the rest of the family. I would like to say I’m over it, but I have learned that’s not how it goes when it comes to death. It’s not like a break-up when you mope around your house and look at old photos of you guys together and then 2 months later you’re burning the photos and saying to yourself “I’m totally over it.” But when it comes to death you don’t learn how to get over it because there is no getting over. It doesn’t exit. But I can say I’ve found a way to stay connected to you. And that’s how I get through the day without having a breakdown. But do I still cry during the day and wish you were here? Yeah of course. But I know that you are safe and sound in heaven. 🙂