"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I have stopped counting the days after you were gone. For months now, I have avoided talking to anyone about you. Every time an old friend would come up to me and offer condolences, I just smile, tell them I’m fine and turn away. I did this to try to mask away the pain I’m feeling. But only now do I realize that the more I try to convince myself that I have accepted what happened by not revealing my true feelings, the more I can’t bring myself to face the truth, accept it and move on.

It’s hard to move on, Nicki. I don’t even know if I could. How could I, when all I could remember is your gentle smile and your sweet voice? Everywhere I look, I remember the softness of your dark hair, the way your deep brown eyes would tenderly look at me, the way you would say my name.

Nicki, I think you’re unfair and though I love you with such passion, I also hate you as much. I hate you because I think you’re selfish. I have too many things to say to you, too many things to ask, and I don’t even have a ... Read more

When I read what Laurel had to say about you I believed her. I hate you. I hate you for leaving everyone behind. I hate you for leaving your daughter. I hate you for everything youve left us with, the music, the art, everything. But, Ive gotten over everything youve put me through. I guess i just miss you. We all do. You gave us the power of music and the power of life but I guess I can’t believe you would leave an innocent baby to find her way around the angry world without her dad. I love you more than anything. I love you. I love you. Come back.

There are these times when I still can’t believe you’re not here by my side anymore. i haven’t even taken care of you for a very long time yet, but then you already left. You’ve been telling me a lot of times that you’re already tired of everything – you also feel tired for us who takes care of you very well. I know you know how it hurts me not to by all means help you out with all your pain. We both know that we can’t do anything about them. And then all you can think of is to just end all the pain to everything. But then, you and I know what it means, right

Now, everything has changed. Everybody has changed. Those people who thought would be the ones who will take care of me are stabbing me in the back. They didn’t even care in the first place. I just thought they were. But then I was wrong. Now that you’re really gone, I felt so alone, especially now that I’m away from my parents and you’re supposed to be the only parent that I should have right now. You’re my only hero from everyone else. ... Read more

Quiero que estes vivo. Es casi verano otra vez, como te fuiste en verano pense que nunca iba a volver… desee que esta estacion no vuelva, porque ahora es obvio que no vas a volver con ella. Siempre fue facil hablar de vos porque eras parte de mi “mi hermano mellizo es un jugador de volley”, “mi hermano mellizo es Lmi mejor amigo”, “mi hermano mellizo se va de vacaciones con sus amigos es la primera vez que vamos a estar sin vernos tanto tiempo” y tambien iba a ser la unica y ultima. ¿Que hacias ahi? ¿Fue aproposito? ¿Fue un error? ¡¿En que pensabas?! ¿Sabes que hacia yo mientras vos morias? Estaba llamandote. Queria contarte que nuestro papá se iba a volver a casar y eso era feliz. Cuando nacimos eramos mamá, papá y nosotros dos, despues fuimos solo papá y nosotros dos, ahora somos papá y yo. La ultima vez que te vi nos abrazamos y me dijiste que ibas a extrañas mi voz irritante. Quiero a mi mellizo de vuelta. Lo quiero ahora, quiero que me tire de los pelos, me golpee con la pelota, me insulte, me abraze y se ria de mi. Quiero escuchar Blind Melon con vos, que veamos las peliculas de ... Read more

Bebe, ¿sabes que encontre hoy mirando television? A Lou Reed, casi me desmayo, repetí en mi cabeza lo que una vez me dijiste “el dia que encontremos a nuestro Lou en la television voy a morir”. Te estas riendo de la ironia de los hechos, ¿no? Vos naciste el 26 de febrero (1992) y Lou el 2 de marzo(1942), con una semana de diferencia. Vos me dejaste aca sola el 20 de octubre (2013) y Lou fallecio el 27 de octubre (2013), con una semana de diferencia. No se, desde que te fuiste pienso en muchas cosas como casualidades… trato de encontrar un poco de sentido pensandote, hablandote y escribiendote en todos lados, de hecho es la segunda carta que escribo en este sitio, pretendiendo que seguis vivo. Lou Reed… es un gran nombre, volvi a escucharlo despues de ver el video, no me lo habia permitido se sentia muy precipitado escuchar al cantante preferido de mi difunto novio. Novio. Mi primer novio y, hasta ahora, unico. Me encuentro a mi misma pensando si te pones celoso cada vez que hablo con otro chico… pero ellos nunca se van a comparar a vos, vuelvo a llorar. No pueden, simplemente, estar a tu altura… es imposible. La ... Read more

Hola Abuela. I wish I could write this letter to you in Spanish because I know you would have been proud to see it that way. But for now I will write to you in English. I recently read this book called Love Letters to the Dead and it made me think of you. It’s been almost five years since you left me here. And they have been hard. I culminated Elementary and while all the others cheered for they were growing up, all I could think about was that you weren’t there to see me. When I had my first communion, I remember searching through the crowd of out family looking for you-but you were not there. And I didn’t care about anything else other than you were not there. And now I have started High School and I can’t help but want to stop the clock and stay in the moment because I don’t know if I can survive going through another achievement and NOT have you there to share it with. That is why when my mom asks me why I don’t try out for sports or different teams or get straight A’s in school. I just ... Read more

Today, I watched ‘Big Hero 6’, and I was reminded of you. It’s been 3 years since you’re gone. I’m preparing for college now, doing what I love. I’ve got this bunch of crazy friends, and I think you’d love them. They’re talking about a trip to Thailand now, and it just sounds so crazy. Sometimes, I wake up in tears, haunted by the ghosts of your past and the what-could-have-beens, but it gets better. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. Thank you for fixing me and showing me the world. I’m ok now. You can let go too.

You died. Yes for drugs. I wanted to say that when I was smaller I had adored you, when I knew that thing of the drugs I just thought, Why? Why you would do that. In my opinion this is the worst and most stupid death there could be. Immagine if you wouldn’t had died, you would be more famous than Lady Gaga or Miley Cyrus, or instead more important. When I think about this I just say, I don’t understand how some people couldn’t even think to stop taking those things. It’s just a stupid death. Stupid thoughts. If you’r reading this don’t do that, don’t just ruin your life. Don’t. Taking this seriously, Anonimous.

Domingo agora, estarei morta. É difícil aceitar a minha escolha mas, sim, eu escolhi a morte. Eu estava errada quando disse “Eu era uma fada, mas agora eu sou eu. Eu me encontrei” sabe por quê? Porque eu não me encontrei, o meu eu está morto. E não há mais nada a se fazer para me salvar, eu não posso me salvar de mim mesma. E não posso salvar as pessoas a minha volta. Eu queria dizer que, se você estivesse aqui, talvez eu ainda estaria inteira. Mas já está decidido, eu vou me suicidar. Então escrevo para você, meu eu morto, para que entenda que literalmente, no domingo, estaremos mortos. E escrevo para dizer tudo, que eu queria que as pessoas me dissessem quando encontrarem meu corpo. “Nós entendemos você Raquel, sabemos que assim como Kurt Cobain, você está mais pesada que o céu, e o ar mais pesado que você. Nós aceitamos a sua escolha, agora você está livre, acho. Parabéns por isso. Nós ficaremos aqui, pensando no quanto fomos imbecis com você”. A Itaciara não te ama como você a ama, então faça-a sofrer, tudo o que você sofreu por ela. Não que ela mereça é claro. ... Read more

She’s still sad. I can tell. We all can. It’s obvious, plain as day, evident in her movements… Her voice soft and drowsy. When I talk to her on the phone she mumbles and I have to repeat myself. She seems distant, off in another universe. You brought stability. Kept her safe for almost fifty years. Yes, there were problems but you loved each other. Sometimes, when things are going wrong, I ask you for help. I don’t know why. It’s usually when I’m between wake and sleep and you’re the only one I know to talk to. Even though you’re gone and I will always see this, clear as a summer day, your skin turning yellow. Eyes glassy. It’s your daughters birthday, she’s my mom, she’s here. I am too. You can barely talk. Can’t even say happy birthday. Giving you a hug, writing a letter, furiously, hunched over your office desk in that closet with the green carpet and shelves and shelves of books. Dad reading it to you when you woke, crying. On a plane, away. Get a call. Back. Black shirt. I love you. Becoming one with one’s we saw maybe twice a year. Bringing us together. Allie’s poem. That interview ... Read more