"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Everyone is dying. Our mom’s world looks like it’s collapsing. She’s sick… I’m a afraid of losing her… Are you calling her to come with you? If so… Then why? Our little brother is not ready to loose his mother. Our mother is the only one standing up for him. I can’t take care of him by myself. I can’t deal with our dad or our older brothers. After she lost one of her friends again, she keeps on mentioning how I should take care pf our little brother when she’s gone. The thing is I don’t want her to go! I don’t want to lose anymore! I’m still grieving for you and I don’t wanna grieve some more! People keep disappearing… People keep dying! Please, for once! Can’t people just stay for once! We lost the dad that could’ve been, we lost the older brother who was supposed to be innocent and not at all a loud ass, we lost our second older brother to psychopathy, and I lost you! I’m not gonna let this happen again. No, never. No more! Stop Dying!!

It’s coming up to a year in March. I miss you. You didn’t ask for this. Neither of you. The people who loved you didn’t expect this. I was so caught up into my own life, that I never would see it come, but it did. And it hurt. Somedays I don’t know how to live with it. Sometimes I want to be with both of you. I broke down. Multiple times. There were nights that I couldn’t breathe. There were days, where pain is the only thing I felt. I ran back to old problems only to create bigger one’s for myself. I hurt myself. I hurt others too. Before you both left, it’s like my life and all of my love was in the middle of a hurricane. And by the time the hurricane stopped, too much was destroyed. That’s when I started to destroy myself too.. I want to start something new. I believe there is a new story to be told, and many more to come. But I’ll leave it simple. This part of the story is called acceptance. I know you’ll both be around to see it..

are you there when i talk to you? i must look like a crazy person from up there, huh? i miss you so much… i wish you were still here. especially now that i just turned 14. i have so many questions about being a teenager. dad misses you so much too. we dont really talk about you. i know i have done some pretty disappointing things but i hope i become the person you always wanted me to become. i love you… this is really hard i feel so vulnerable. im stuck here without anyone to help me through my messes. i know dad says i can always talk to him but its not the same. i will always wish you were here…

I miss you so so much. It’s been almost eleven years since you’ve been gone and everyday is so hard for mum and me. You were the sunshine in our family with your bright smile, your sense of humor and your intelligence. Dad, I wish you had seen my first day of school or how I learned to play piano.. I know you are proud of me, but it is so hard to live in a world without you. It is not fair that you died so young. But mum and I are strong and independent woman and I know that you take care of us on every single day. Dad, I love you so much. No words in this universe can describe how thankful I am to be your daughter.

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Ni siquiera sé como escribirte, siento que no tengo el derecho de hacerlo, te abandoné justo cuando más me necesitabas y cuando más podía aprender de ti. Siento mucho comportarse como una niña, se que también te sentías mal por mi descaro. Ya casi será un año desde tu muerte. Lo irónico es que la noche de tu muerte lloraba a mi madre para que me llevará al hospital y visitarte, quería pedirte perdón y ahora ya no estas, y eras mi única abuela viva. Ahora que lo veo es todo tan diferente, porque estaba celosa de la atención que tenían toda, fui egoísta, infantil y tan estúpida; te via sufrir de dolor por un cáncer que consumía toda tu energía y yo solo hice una vida oculta a mi familia, me convertí en una desvergonzada. Entonces llegó el día de tu muerte y yo me rompí y estoy casi segura de que mi alma se derramó en mis lágrimas. Seguí llevando mi vida oculta, pero ahora sólo quería terminarla y cuando me descubrieron, sabía que te había defraudado, y no sólo a ti, también a todos mis abuelos muertos. Ahora que no estas ya no hay nadie que me cuente historias olvidadas, ... Read more

Even though I never got to meet you, I want you to know that you are missed by you sons, daughter-in-laws, and grandchildren and of course you husband. I was graced with your name and I wear it proud. Yesterday we went to Brooklyn where we saw where grandpa grew up and where your sister used to live and also where my dad grew up. We went to this pizza place the had one of the best slices ever. I want to believe that your looking out for me and I hope you are.

Even though I never got to meet you, I want you to know that you are missed by you sons, daughter-in-laws, and grandchildren and of course you husband. I was graced with your name and I wear it proud. Yesterday we went to Brooklyn where we saw where grandpa grew up and where your sister used to live and also where my dad grew up. We went to this pizza place the had one of the best slices ever. I want to believe that your looking out for me and I hope you are.

I’very always been bad at writing letters. Or writing in general. And sometimes I try to write so many things… my trash can over flows with crappie poems, stories, and (of course) letters. Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if you were here. You had everything. A man that put a ring on your finger and was ready to say ‘I do’. A family that loved you. A niece. A six year old now going on to 14. A girl that has no trace of her aunt except a picture found I’m my mom’s dresser. Of course I keep it in my journal now. I have all of your books. Why mystery? God. The amount of questions I want to ask you. How did you like your coffee? Who was your favorite sound. I want to know these things and I want to hear your voice. God, do I want to hear your voice. I wonder if you hated the world. The world you held in your hands. A girl who’said father who would give away his life to see a damn smile on your face. But instead you leave ... Read more

It had be almost a month since you left us here on Friday, 13th January 2017 due to myocardium infarction or cardiac arrest. Until now, I still able to recall back your demise in my mind because I was with you until your last breath. Actually, I miss you so much as you are my only grandfather that able to live in 21st century. I love you so much as you are my idol, role model and icon in this life. I always made you happy during my childhood. Frankly speaking, I never tried to stay away from you although you were a heavy smoker because I love you as you are my only grandfather on Earth. I should end here to write this letter to you. I had happy moments with you here since my childhood. I would not regret for your demise because it is God’s will as He is the Almighty One. I let you go, Abah. Anyway, I will always remember you in my heart forever as you had been a sunshine in my life. Sleep tight and take care Bobbi there. Play with him to make yourself happy there. See you again in afterlife once ... Read more

2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, and finally 2017. In August it’ll be six years since you’ve been gone. I have to admit, losing you wasn’t easy. Losing someone isn’t easy at all. I hated you for leaving and I often blamed you for leaving for two years. But there were times where I blamed myself. I often wondered if I had just sent that poster made out of tissue paper that says “get well soon” then maybe I wouldn’t have lost you. Or maybe if I had just sneaked in to the car and went to you to be there for you, then maybe you would’ve lived. In November, we’ll be 16, at least you could’ve been sixteen. Lucky you. I’m doing all the aging and growing and dealing with shit, and you’re in a vault in a columbarium just sitting there in a marble jar being dead. It hurts waking up in the morning not seeing you there in our mom’s arms or on the other side. It hurts knowing that we wouldn’t be taking turns on who would sleep with mom next every night. 72 months, 31285