"More than a stunning debut. It is the announcement of a bold new literary voice"
—Stephen Chbosky, author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I fuck up alot. Some little things, some big. I cry alot. Mostly for no reason. I have gotten use to it now. Turn up my fan, turn on some music, and stare at my ceiling crying. Im a quiet cryer. Which only makes it easyer to do. I don’t like taking about the future. Everyobe else has plans and dreams. I only have a pillow covered in tears and a cursed name. I never slept right. Always had trouble. I would stay up watching old movies like The Goofy Movie or Carebears. I never had friends until 4 years ago. I can’t remember many happy moments. The wind of deadly sleepless ness would take them away only leaving bits and pieces for me to try and fit together. Im happy now though. I have gotten better. But the sleepless nights still come. And still steal my happness like it’s nothing but steam from the lunch with friends I enjoyed but can’t remember.

I sometimes miss you, your yellow pigtails. Running around in a princess dress just being you. Your lucky little me you don’t have social anxiety, Feeling about people, or anxiety attacks. You don’t have to deal with stupid drama. So since your gone I figured I tell you what your older self has done. I lost one of my friends and she can’t keep a secret at all she told my boyfriend at the time mike that i tried to kill myself which isn’t true. My friend Emma might be moving back to her old school and then I will be left alone. I have this crush on this girl but I don’t think she likes me like that. I’m having a really hard time being me. I miss you little me I wish you would come back I miss your blond little pigtails everyone loved you and I’m just a disappointment to my family well goodbye little me

I sometimes miss you, your yellow pigtails. Running around in a princess dress just being you. Your lucky little me you don’t have social anxiety, Feeling about people, or anxiety attacks. You don’t have to deal with stupid drama. So since your gone I figured I tell you what your older self has done. I lost one of my friends and she can’t keep a secret at all she told my boyfriend at the time mike that i tried to kill myself which isn’t true. My friend Emma might be moving back to her old school and then I will be left alone. I have this crush on this girl but I don’t think she likes me like that. I’m having a really hard time being me. I miss you little me I wish you would come back I miss your blond little pigtails everyone loved you and I’m just a disappointment to my family well goodbye little me

I sometimes miss you, your yellow pigtails. Running around in a princess dress just being you. Your lucky little me you don’t have social anxiety, Feeling about people, or anxiety attacks. You don’t have to deal with stupid drama. So since your gone I figured I tell you what your older self has done. I lost one of my friends and she can’t keep a secret at all she told my boyfriend at the time mike that i tried to kill myself which isn’t true. My friend Emma might be moving back to her old school and then I will be left alone. I have this crush on this girl but I don’t think she likes me like that. I’m having a really hard time being me. I miss you little me I wish you would come back I miss your blond little pigtails everyone loved you and I’m just a disappointment to my family well goodbye little me

You were always my best friend. I am just like you; through and through. We used to sit and talk for hours and you helped me to navigate everything. It’s been a little over 2 years since you passed. I held your hand as you went and I know you were comforted by that. But I can’t get the image of your face out of my mind. You’re the only person that could have helped me to deal with that. Today would have been your 84th birthday and I can’t help but be reminded of all that you’re not here to share with me. My son is 9 months old and he’ll never get the pleasure of basking in your warm smile and perfect hugs. You didn’t get to see me graduate college, I know that was your dream. I can’t ask your advice or tell you about my days. I can’t massage your poor, swollen, arthritic feet after I help you into bed. I miss that. I can’t touch puzzles or popsicles anymore; those were our things. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you. I miss you. I hope that you can watch your ... Read more

It’s been a year and a little more since you had broken my heart and fixed it piece by piece.When I heard the news in the car, I did nothing but think. I’ve only met you once in my life, but that moment had truly affected me and changed the way how I saw the world. The shape is almost completed, except for one tiny, clear speck of pure pain and regret. I have realized, that that day, was very… indescribable, full of agony that couldn’t be unfilled , and grieving. I have understood that you have been suffering through mental disabilities, and I truly hope that you have a better time up in heaven, where you will be watching and guiding me to handle tough situations and obstacles. I want to sincerely thank you for being part of me life. I love you, great grandmother, no matter what.

Growing up with you was so magical and long-lasting. Being able to say we knew each other since second grade is so special but it is even more meaningful now. I knew you had a heart condition but I didn’t know it was something deadly, or atleast I didn’t want to think that it was. In fact, I don’t even think you knew it was. Being able to imagine us being princesses and dancing and singing in the rain in the street like nobody was watching was magical. You loved to copy me and do the things I did, and I hated it back then, I didn’t understand like I did now. It hurt when the pastor read a summary of you and as I looked around it almost looked like it would be mine since the similarities we had. I will never forgot how radiant you looked a month before you passed when we were at the movies. You finally had gotten your braces off and you smiled just because you loved the feeling of it. And to go from that to seeing you at the funeral was hard, seeing you ... Read more

Do you ever feel like you’re not enough? Like there is a huge space you’re expected to fill up, but you only occupy a small corner? Like no matter how hard you try, you always fall short? I don’t know what to do. I’m trying. I swear I am. I want to do everything the best I can. I want to be who everyone expects me to be. But in trying to be her, I think I might break me. I’m not talking anything drastic like killing myself. But I just don’t think I can keep up with expectations. How can I be one of the smartest students in school when I constantly struggle with things like math. I’m in all of the honors classes, but I sometimes just get so lost, and the pressure and work load have me so stressed. But even more stressful? Asking to move down. “You can do it! You’re smart!” Maybe I’m smart, but I genuinely don’t understand, and I want you to help me without me feeling like a failure. I hate the feeling that I’ve failed everyone if I don’t know or get something because I’m generally intelligent. I’m also supposed to ... Read more

You always made me feel like I was nothing. You would put me down and tell me that no one cared. You would first make me feel loved, and special. You would always try to do the best, and then the abuse started. After all of the terrible things happened you gave up. Although I wouldn’t be me without you, I can’t ever say I wouldn’t change some things that you have done. I miss when we were a kid and we wouldn’t have a care in the world. I remember how after the abuse started you would use a blade on your wrists to write yourself letters of pain and regret because you knew they would never go away. I remember how you were drawn to drugs so fast. Even though I can’t say that I would do it all over again I can say that I wouldn’t be me without you so thank you and I’m glad the part of me that was so depressed and confused and scared is gone but I will never be the person I was before and I have come to accept that. I will miss you but I am ready ... Read more

I remember the way you would hold me in your arms when I was scared. How you would sing to me when I couldn’t sleep and pray with me whenever I needed it. I remember the way you would come into our room to wake us up for school and tickle us so we had no excuse to not get up. I miss the way you would calm me down and tell me it was going to be alright when my parents were fighting. I miss you so much right now while so much is going on in my life. I try to love the way you did and I try to make the best decisions. When I fail, I am really hard on myself and put myself down because I could do better, but I understand now that we all make mistakes and that it’s okay to make mistakes if you learn from them. It has been five years now from October 14,2011 when you took your last breath. It still feels like it was yesterday. I know that I will never fully heal, and you will always have a special place in my heart. With you ... Read more